Yume no Ato

If a grain of wheat don't fall in the earth and die, it become infertile, however, if it dies give a lot of fruits. As Jesus said in one of his parabolas, when we give ourselves in an uninterested all the results become amazingly good. Therefore, we have to give something in exchange for it. Just as the fact that a mother can't give birth to a child without pain, sportsmen win without giving up some pleasures due the training, or student give their resting time to get a good grade. Discipline always implies move, giving our old self in order to get a new one. We can have true love if we don't resign to ourselves for the sake of those we love. Of course is too utopic to be handle for the real world. However, I still think that there have to be a way on it in order to be able to do that. I will always believe that as long as we focus, our love can make us stronger.

last night I got back to Panama and here i just found out that things barely change with time. However, is ok for me due is good to see what i've lost and which mistakes i commit to made me be a part that was a bit blurry to see. With a new perspective, I'm leaving now all those grunge and heavy weight I had for this months to see from a wider point of view what to do with my life. Back in my room. I can see how organized actually my life have become after all. Pretty structured and solid since a couple of weeks, makes me feel more optimistic. So is time to end up writing stuff about a feeling that I was unable to understand and move on. What is done is done, and I just can learn of it, I need new blood to go back to Germany the next week with a more wide and wise point of view. I want to apologize the people I dragged to me with my pain in this blog and let them free of toughs to center in what is important, evolve. Of course the change is not instant reaso

There are moments in life where I feel that I’m breaking. This is one of those moments when I can’t see the light in the horizon and makes me feels so impotent. “At the door of the stove the bread burns” says the statement that is so true and was the first thing I thought yesterday when I saw that everything went so smoothly for the first day. Of course my pessimistic nature had to make a bad joke about such a delicate situation and now I feel like once again stabbed in the back by the daily life. Therefore, I won’t let things goes that easy. As I said once, only the accidents, coincidences and what we can do exist, I have to prove myself that “if I die” I’ll do it that with wearing my boots. By the run of the minutes, that I’m realizing that love is something that will never save me. I become more objective to the fact that my coming to this country hasn’t been more than a huge mistake sustained by a promised made with an impulsive feeling. I want to scream for help but to whom? Where

Yesterday I was thinking in the words “I feel that I can’t love you anymore how I use to”, said for nali when we were having a conversation that started really hard due my incompetence. When I close the phone I felt strangely relief, due the fact, that if I have to comment about it I should say exactly the same. I can see many things about this person now that are really confusing. I feel that I always start to talk with one person and end up talking with another. In the same way, I started to talk with someone long time ago and I felt in love with another person. What I see in nali is that something in here grew; the fact is that more than grew it becomes old, wise. No changes in human behavior are bad as long as is for the wellness of the person involved. Then I feel that something worst happen here. The principle of touka kouka indicates that to gain something of certain value, something with equal value have to be sacrificed. What have you sacrificed nali? I think that you don’

yesterday I was able to read the statement regarding what caused Hendrik's death. And as I though and plastered in my first post. I felt pretty accurate in my observation. People who acts like him usually end up involving with dangerous people who can create this sort of situations. Unfortunately for him, this time wasn't either an exception and he end up paying the consequences. But what is done is done and nothing can be change in his side. In the other hand, there are this individuals who provoked his death with the intention of “lecture him some behavior”. How people who doesn't control herself can say stuffs like that? Everything is remotes to the ancient times of life were the “stronger” rule over the weak. But looking up at the human history is also stronger doesn't mean equal of statements in this situations. As “good coward humans” 3 guys were involved in the situation against hendrik. And with the most primitive “way of the human” the end up

today I received 2 mails regarding the same subject of my actual time, for some reason everyone just continue saying that i should drop out my dreams and get real. Indeed, is a situation that have to be evaluated considering that nothing good have been coming to my life since i came here. Then, why i don't feel like instigated of my present condition? Mayabe I finally become completely crazy submerged in my bizarre dream world. I should make a proper analysis of my situation to continue moving forward in some direction no matter the results of the next day. Inevitably, I can't stop myself of doing plants even considering that they are not useful when the situation depends so much of many external factors I can control. All this, only shows me that no matter how much I want to be autonomous, my life doesn't depends of me alone. Moreover, the fact that I still want to move on in my plans makes me feels like a criminal who is hurting people who says that take care of me. But i

11:30 in the night and finally I can enjoy some minutes of silence after a complete day hearing noises around me of people, that for some reason, never shut the fuck up. That makes me think a bit about this people who talk and talk and i see that all of them have something in common. They just talk, they don't pay attention at all to anything anyone else says. Even when they silence themselves for some seconds, everything other people says is meaningless to them. So the irony of this that they can express so good and fluent in spite they can't communicate. I've been feeling so annoy of voices lately that makes me think that is not good for me to continue thinking like that. I never enjoy more silence than anymore before. But the dangerous thing of all this comes in the situation that when i have to communicate everything becomes really difficult to me. Not because of the language, but because the worlds doesn't exist anymore. I don't want to fall

some days ago nali told me that she talked to a ghost and that makes me concern a bit of her situation because i never wanted to bother with the fact that for some reason we are surrounded of them, at least is what I've been looking for since I got here. But what makes me write today about it is the fact that also “L” told me in a mail that she was seen ghost without any relation of what nali told me before. And thinking a bit about it, in this month is the 4th person who told me that so maybe something is changing in this world and the strings are getting closer. So backing up to my story, since the first day I came here I've been feeling chasing by them. Remember the first time I was sleeping in this bed with my always beloved by my side I felt a strong presence who talked to me in the night. I told you might be a dream or what, of course I always have problems distinguishing between real or dreams, and he answered want me to prove it and he took me by the shoulder and shake

The day i'm writing this, the love of my life gave me the news of the decease of a friend of her brother. A person I didn't meet for so long but surely was easy to see that behind all his lively expression, a great loneliness was behind him. Not knowing the object of the death, would be an insult to make speculations or comments about it. But the fact is, that one more who left the world alone is just another story that will be placed apart in the great book of life. For some seconds I was able to imagine the face of that person I care so much and the image was a bit disrupting. This kind of situations makes everyone to feel like for some seconds they went out of the reality and that maybe they will wake up and like nothing happens. When someone we lost contact for a while dies the first feeling is never sadness, but a great confusion and I can't deny that is something that I wish natalie wouldn't be feeling right now. In the other hand, the news

Today I woke up thinking in what a couple is. After a dream where I saw the woman I love with the person who have feelings for her now, I felt that my life was over. Maybe, is a way the universe does to remember me my lost? Or maybe is a way my brain likes to torture me. Then, for a second, I asked to myself “why she wanted to be with me in first place?” I think that the answer is pretty easy to understand now. She saw in me something she was always wondering if exist, a person who didn’t react as the other person she have met in her life, and a person who have many attributes she was looking for in a man. The picture of been the perfect man for someone was pretty heavy and cocky for me, and I was feeling proud of it. But with all this, I just figure out that as I was proud to be with her, I was also afraid to loose her. And as I told to my team mates all my life “in the moment when you feel real fear you loose”, and was exactly what happened. I also remember the first night we slept

In my boring night i decided to re read the mail of the last woman I concider as my one and only. Thinking a bit about a café conversation I had today with a girl i was paying attention on how does women work on and as much as I try to keep the originality of all the individuals I met, looks that my past is so scary that can keep on dragging me down until the end of the days. Was precisely in this time of the year when another woman who I loved expressed in similar terms about me and her relationship with me. I remember when L said “ I like you so much but I learn something from your past that won't let me go back to you no matter how much y try” I felt devastated when i heard that thinking that no matter how much I tried to live the present I will always be judged by my actions. No matter try to make my mind understand that the reason i can freely talk to selected people means that I was able to overpass that and move forward, people always end up looking the past me in a stronge

This days my mood have been unbelievable high, and for some reason I can only think in the phenomena when the start will collapse is when they bright more. But even this time I was able to put aside that and almost enjoy every minute I'm leaving. After a pretty busy day i just start to think that everything was relatively nice. I went to school, and even considering that is one of those days were “Ich kann nicht auf deutsch denken” i was able to survive to the group and enjoy the moment. Maybe because now I have some feeling of security about my future, is because I can mortify about little stuffs about solitude or lack of motivation for humanity. After having a relatively, interesting night in the stammtisch now I'm sitting here in the train with the uneasy feeling that no one will wait at home for me. It never worried me before, and I was use to it but I still don't get use to the idea once I found out some kind of happiness in my life together with someone else. All t

in the middle of this serene night, I wake up after falling asleep watching a movie and start to think if there is an absolute meaning for love. What is that thing that motivates people to say “I love you” in certain situations. Moreover, what is that thing that make them retract their words with time. I can't just think that even love is something not eternal for those who are too exposed to this world. At least is what i would like to think instead of believing that wasn't real love what I got the last time. I would like to ask her, what is love for her because now I'm really confused about it. I always though that love is something that make us go on even in the darkness of the nights, against every logic and against even faith or luck. Something so beautiful that can go on even against death and time an doesn't matter how difficult it is will always bring us a smile. If that is the case, i think that we should be able to surpass everything with it as she told me o