Entradas

Mostrando entradas de febrero, 2009

what is help?

Help is not give stuffs to satisfy a simple necessity. Help is not when someone have a problem says, I’m sorry or don’t worry everything will change with time. Help is not feeling petty for those who are hopeless. Help is not give up and look aside when a situation is not encounter. Help are not sweet words of motivation written in a book. Help is the presence when we need a human touch, the silence when the word becomes too noisy to thing, the love beyond the life. I need help tonight my live is falling apart and I can’t follow my dreams alone… Where is all that people who say that will be with me for ever? WHY PEOPLE LIE LIKE THAT AND GIVE UP JUST SAYING SORRY!?!? With tears in my eyes and a cynic smile in my face I can only say again that I have a destiny with nothing else left to loose… Not even the angels want to be with me, that is why I think I’m alive yet… not even god nor the devil wants me near… MANN! ICH WILL JETZT EIN FUCKING FREUND!?!?! pleas

Love in times of despair… irrational thoughts

Last night I though I touched ht bottom of my rationality, I found out that my dream were over long time ago. I’m not strong anymore; I found out that my power comes from the fact that I always have a place to come back after fighting with my demons. Now I have no place to come back, no home, no sanctuary I’m done… The one who suppose to save me will become the one who give me the final blow? I feel like putting the knife in her hands. A knife made with all my mistakes and incongruent decisions. I hope you can forgive me one day. I feel like Hancock now, I was a god once and for approaching to the one I love I become human. What kind of life is that one if you become vulnerable and useless for the one you love? Why when we are in despair we try to justify our actions? Worst yet, why I can’t blame anyone. Even if this person asks me to complain about her, make her fall with the responsibility, I look into her eyes and love her. WHY I LOVE? Is my nature she says, is something good she

even over the darkness of the day, there is a hidden sun up there

Today is the first day of my last week of classes. After almost 5 months, i can see back and enjoy with nostalgia the happy and unpleasant moments i have in that place. For the 2 nd time in life i felt that i was able to enjoy the moments i spent with people with similar goals. Like a team full of leaders with different objectives but with similar enemy all become into this long crusade of learning such a difficult language with relative satisfaction. About me, i think that i didn't do my best, but is a matter that is so normal to me due is a bad habit i develop for trying to be considerate with the average humans. And as a bad habit, is something that will take the same amount of time to removed and to be honest i don't mind about that. Live my life to the fullest, waste my life, aren't matters that have meaning anymore. I think that i found the balance i was looking for. The fact, is that not everyone can live their life to the fullest because not ever

for the sake of my goddess

today i realized that i can live on. That the days from tomorrow will be hell and that i might loose all in 5 weeks. But i'm not afraid anymore, i'm not sad nor upset. Disappointment is a trophies that i will put in my placard. I know and realized that i didn't make not even the 30% of my real possibility now. But for the first time, i have no regrets on it. I felt that i finally grew up in that aspect. There is noting wrong with me, not that threw the towel. I figure out that there is no past anymore, the past to me is like an old tv show with a predictable ending. I think that i know now what natalie wanted to say with her now happiness, that was just a way to say, hey just move on dude, what are you winning with staying in the past? Don't you see? You are just loosing stuffs with that attitude. Indeed,gibt es keine einfach oder “kurz” Modus. Is an everyday job, and i have to do it with love. A love that doesn't belongs to anyone but to me. I decided stop waiting

If there is only a start who can come this night...

Today, a wonderful day, an interesting conversation showed me how much I've have changed in the past days. This woman makes me realize that the reason that i was able to be kind in my words was not for suppressing my feelings but for get harmony between what i say an what i feel. But then that's ok when i deal with honest people i have no stable relation with. For the first time i felt the peace i had once with that woman i love so much and hurt so much lately. Yes, was a conversation so outstanding that i didn't feel the time at all. But well at the end i was so sad for feeling of talking with the wrong person. However, i can now understand why my beloved, end up looking to another place to have someone to talk with. Is like finding the love she can communicate with but with the compromise of dealing with the feeling itself. But is funny i don't like to be me in that situation because no matter how sure i know I don't like when someone can do something I should f

the iron mask

Just coming back home i can't stop thinking how stupid i feel in this moments. Everything started when i went out of house. Is the first time i break the rule, if you really don't feel it don't go out. I always thought that something bad would happen to people who go out when they don't want to. The night start weird, getting home at 5 I was pretty sure that I wouldn't go until several people start to ask if I would go. But was until the very end that I said that perhaps I'll go. At 8 I was ready to get the train of 8:30 to be there at the estimated time, 9 but some minutes later i decided to take all my clothe off and work in my wii which unfortunately didn't work due the stupid wireless card. In matter of seconds I start to dress as fast as possible and went out of the house to take the next train to alexanderplatz. I was so late that in a normal situation I would leave it and stay. However, i just start to run and while my steps were getting faster, my t

Tonight is one of those nights that would be good to disappear...

with the slow fall of the snow I walked in the street thinking how tender would be melt like those little snow flakes. With nothing to loose or to gain I think there isn't better moment now for that. Someone told me once that this season is when most people commit suicide and I still don't get why considering how beautiful everything looks. The snow covers absolutely everything. Not only the streets, the houses or the people, but also the sadness, hopes and superficial feelings of the people. With a cover of snow everything looks so peaceful, immaculate like a just made paint before the father time play with its colours. Despite the cold weather, it makes the loneliness feels warm this night. Surrounded by nostalgia i can forget about my present state and just look at the window the slow dancing of the snow before mix in the floor or over one of those sleeping trees. Is another day expecting the unexpected, however the mother loneliness showed me that side of her that took c

Pre valentines kumpir chat

Yesterday, again, i decided to go out to dinner with the people of the school. Basically because they were going to eat kumpirs and those weird stuffs rules. In one of those “kumpirs chat” the argentinan girl was, still a bit nostalgic due a song someone dedicated to her. Her comment? The song was pretty depressive, was kind of funny because I hear the song and actually was a regular love song from a guy who said that her lover that he always will be there when she need a help... this cliché is something I dont want to discuss now on so i'll pass it by. The fact is that due her attitude she only justified herself as a “hopelessly romantic”. If i get a coin for every time I hear that, bill gates would be a detail beside me. In my mind i said “does people understand what actually means the fact to add the word hopelessly to romantic?”. Indeed the problem is in the bad use of the word romantic. Without trying to fall in the dictionary definition a romantic is someo

selfish morning

yesterday i decided to go to a presentation of “alternative artist in acker str”. There, people of several parts of the globe reunited to basically play one or 2 songs and make a whole night of interesting street performance. While listening the people playing, i was unable to stop thinking why i'm actually there. Wasn't a bad presentation but wasn't even a place that in a regular situation i'll might feel interested to go. Then, thinking in all the other events i've been this week and also in how things are now in school I start to think that basically i'm in all those places by reflex. All this feels like I'm only move if someone actually wants to be with me in that case. Like i told Mer , I'll only go if you say “I want you to come to stammtisch with me”, is like i usually works now, with no particular interest in the event i'm just go there and have a relative good time. The curiosity of all this is the fact that I don't feel alone anymor

pensamientos en una noche estrellada...

just like the start twinkling in the night sky... the melting heart wont let go.. even If I let go my hand... as long as we don't forget....

morning star

I have to be dear to me to be able to be dear for others. I think that is the simple answer I was looking for.

solitude by the window

No matter how much I think about doing something about my new self, is difficult to deal with the situation of the always present feeling of solitude that sometimes overpass my expectations. Like an drug addict after a day of taking drugs, I cant stop thinking on the fact that, as much as I socialize and deal with different people, at the end of the day I end up feeling lonely and needing affection. As Much people I know and interact with, as big is the feeling of loneliness. Is like they are taking something of me that is precious but that I never owned. Is this the reason why always humans are desperate for been in society? If that is the case, then it might justify this pain in the heart I have now, and that for moments, looks eternal. All this just makes me understand a bit more that little friend I left in Panama who was a hug addict. I never understood why someone was always waiting a hug in a world were people always looks for an excuse to keep their distances. Maybe have to b

The expressions off affection

2 days ago, I had a really peculiar conversation with the temporal guest I have in house this days. Basically, I was trying to understand her “promiscuous” behaviour in Europe. As a latin american, she just comment that is just the result of the peculiar way of European people to react against attraction. Also, the fact that she is a woman was also funny to hear her comments about males and they behaviour. With all the conversation I had to talk about something that was actually resonating in my head this days. How does people communicate their love or express their feelings is a mystery I never understood. Love, affection, sadness, angry, jealously and many others didn't come with a manual of how to react in several situation. It use to bring to my mind many people and how they use to react... for example, there are too many people I have been connected in the past and some had really indirect but acurate way to express their feelings. The first person in my mind