Back in the Depression Express



Its been a while since the last time I wrote something here. Many things have changed since my last post in 2016. I got married, I got a wonderful boy, my own apartment and even though I got a decent life path. I have done stuff like coming back to swimming, being the best in my category in Berlin and even in all Germany, and even having a decent job.

But things have been more difficult than they look like on the surface. All that struggle was linked to a perfectly hidden high functional depression that I have been carrying since I came here. The result is that I have been trying to stupidly “protect” my family from worries by carrying a high debt on my shoulders. To add to the cake, things in my relationships have not been going well lately due to all the things in my head. 

Unfortunately, I realized my own condition quite late in the game, my life becomes a mess as a pebble rolling from the top of a snowy mountain. I lost my job, I lost my health, I struggle with my marriage, I lost my main support in life (my father),  and I feel that I have no idea what to do with my life.

Now, I am facing a challenge that I cannot encounter directly and it is difficult to scheme a plan. I know that there has to be a solution somewhere, but the fact that I had to exteriorise my worries to my partner just makes thing more fucked up. I don’t know how to honestly feel about that. I feel that I finally lost the last support I have to move up. Now I was torn between survival and suicide mode every single minute I leave my mind blank. Luckily, I still keep my rationalism intact and I know that everything will be temporal and that it is more important to be there for my little son.

Still, that does not remove the fact that I feel like shit, and that I lost the trust of the only person I could had the possibility to lean on when I needed to rest.

I will use this blog back to vent out.

Let's see will bring tomorrow.
M

Ubicación: Berlin Schönefeld Airport (SXF), Flughafen Schönefeld, 12521 Berlin, Germany

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