Yume no Ato

not making reference to a movie. I think sometimes that when i see me in this school i'm some kind of alien bug who actually can't communicate. For that reason i think that i found a good point to learn german. Because is one of the few languages who can actually make an interpretation of something that not even the spanish, who have 4 times more words, can express. I feel sorry for cohelo and neruda by trying to express their love and feelings by words that can reach the brokest and darkest of the hearts. But if they were born in this new country the story would be so different that makes me feel jealous just to think about it. In the other hand, Makes me think in people like Freud or Max. that were philosophers but at the end i think that were just thinking people that had the luck to live in a country which language can express situations that other can't. So maybe I admire their concepts yet but I just lost the respect for them. However, i can't deny that i would ...

Miracles are called like that because they doesn't exist. Then, why I'm still waiting for one?

Durig this ultra short night, I had too many stuff to think of. One and the most significative , putting aside the endless dance between spiky roses that the woman I love and I have this days, was the fact that some days ago I gave my oboe for sell in ebay. When i got to the person who will sell it for me he just open the box and like a kid start to arm it to play like a little toy. Once he finished with his dillemas of where goes what he just pointed to me with it and said „play!“. In that moment i felt like if he just took the oboe and stab me with it in the chest. Took me some seconds to compose and politely refuse the idea. With some really basic instructions he after soaking the reed decided to make really funny noises with it and constantly repeat „play“. In that moment I felt that some part of my life was ending and what I was looking was the reflexion of a life I once have and that will never comeback. With a nostalgic smile, I just sat there and „enjoy“ the noises this guy was...

With the music of kotoko (re-sublimity) I get once more in this train full of people ready for another day of work. Thinking a bit about what classes are now, I can't stop thinking that i was in a way never giving the 100% in my classes. Now i feel again in some kind of advantaje of my other classmates but is just because one of the students decided to finish the book by himself in oder to jump one level. When I saw his movement, i got pretty impressed how easy is to do that. In the other side, that makes me think about some of the new classmates and their attitude against the study. The „newbies“, have a pretty awkward attitude against the learning. Concidering that they might have the posibility of simply, by living here for a long term, they will be able to learn the language. Is funny how to see the relaxed attitude against everything and how one of them deal with the nervousness. Like when I was in my japanese classes, this guys start to laugh and makes funn...

When i loved you i didn't think this partihing would ever come. If I wont't ever able to touch you again at the very least one more time i want you to embrace me its a long long good bye farewell, farewell ill say it as many times it takes i tells me myself as best i can, you are waving oout of kindness, arent you? Now i wish for strength... meetting you, with the start sparkling, i am born as long as i myself, as long as i'm able to love waiting for a hopeless miracle what will become of me? The tear batherd planets shimmering is gone... i wont forget your warmth, your kindness, and yoru hands which enveloped everything. Its a long, long good bye. Catch the comets that seems like the are burning , and start a fire i want to love, i want to be loved. what will one chilled body mean to this world? The bravado i kept up is dissolving, long for... why is it? My tears overflow and they can't stop. Meeting you, with the stars sparkling, i'm and born . As long as i...

With the title of a Chinese (or Korean) drama I lay at 4 a.m. In a stranger bed without been able to sleep. Sadly, I realized that my world become smaller than I though even after changing my entire self. The reason, the huge probability that I might never say those words “I love you”. Torturing myself, and trying to make and auto hypnosis regression, I try to recall that moment when my ex girlfriend said I broke up with her. Unable to find that moment when I say “lets end up this” and receive and answer i drown in my frustration, close my eyes and just concentrate in the feeling of that little tear rolling down from the outside part of my left eye. I feel so impotent for not having the wisdom or the intelligence to make any other kind of approach to get that person back. More over, the frustration grows when I figure out that I don't have the capability to bend other people will on my behalf. Then I try to hang me to her words when she said “everything can hap...

Here in the train i started to think about how i was talking to the person i care most in this universe and about the emails i didnt send but written already. A bit affraid of my words I become, when I saw how i was talking to her. My words are hard and my way of thinking a bit drastic but now i understand myself more in that attitude. What i am now is just a natural evolution in human conciousness, the same the first woman I loved and my real friends of that time had. Thats reminds me the world of my last love when she said, she have a peculiar way of thinking to only have 16. I always thought that and I always concidered that she, and the other were too hard with they words from time to time. I also got to think that their words were a way to express some kind of inner frustration or the result of their hard lifes. Nothing good i ever thought about that behavour, in the other hand i touhgt sometimes that was a way to express their anger, and because they were only confident with our...

This is the 10 night without been able to have a proper sleep. Today, i broke my record sleeping 2:30 hours, the most in all this nights. Luckily, and like brought from the heaven, the one i love gifted me a pretty interesting but sad book to read and with that, i can amuse my insomnia nights. Of course, at 4 a.m my deciduous brain decided to make an evaluation of why I might not be able to sleep. And as an eternal karma, I start to make a list of stuff i'm doing now in order to find the cause. And the list is like this: eating „healthy“ doing exercises 2 times a day most of the days going to school and stay there until night home care usual stuff (laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc, etc) In essence, is a good healthy life, no parties, no disruptions in the schedule, „no hiper stressful situations, not even TV!. But, then why i can't sleep anymore? I question myself about that and then i checkout my funny method this likes days to overthrown and disr...

Today I decide to go out of school earlier. After checking the train station and check out all my downloads I found out that i have almost 1 hour before the train arrive. Without reasons I decide to walk in the contrary direction of the train-station. Suddenly, i find at my right the Schöneberg public pool and like guided by a strong dog pulling me in i woke up in the place... There so many people having fun in the pool. In the line 1 and 2, some young people practicing in such an armonic time that transport me from my usual reality to a time I though i forgot. The day, december 10, 1996. 2 days after the mothers day I was there, at 6:30 in the morning in the Patria pool which now have the name of a mediocre, schlech sex bitch who went to have “travel” to 2 Olympics. Alone in the line 5 with the electronic touch connected i was there in that pool only with some few expectations and my last trainer, Rify. Without paying attention to the smuggling words of my trainer i was there in the s...

Today is the first day of the rest of my life… and old cliché resume the feelings of this cloudy morning waiting for a hope will never come but with the willing to continue no matter what. I woke up with a bad sensation of a weird dream but with the feeling of success, a success that I don’t know if exists, but that is worthy to continue working for it. I woke up thinking… what I want for me ? what I want? What is my future? Since my “new partner” feelings, have appears in my life I never tried to make those questions or think about the future. I had enough thinking about the day to day and dealing with the past to start to think about what I want in the future. However, the Thursday showed me something really interesting that up to today “Saturday” I was able to assimilate. A new person appears in my life, a nice beautiful Turkish girl who was agreeing to be a friend. Her story? She divorced after having a huge problem in turkey that end up with a broken jaw and 2 ribs striped. Su...

Recalling a conversation i had to start again think again about my actions and the fact of killing my self... the first question that sounds in my head is “if you tried it so many times why you are still here?” accompanied with the question... “how you could do it?”... should i was looking for death? I found out that no, so why so many times? There are so many explanations that makes me face how unreliable and weak i have been all this time... The first times i tried it was because to feel closer to what i lost... looking for ways to pay with pain my sins of continue living... During that time i found out something important in the process... after loosing so much blood in such a systematic and slow process as my life was going out of my vains with my hope and soul, also my thoughts were vanishing too. For the first time that never stopping voice in my head got silence and for a short moment before faint i feel real peace... a peace i as able to recall in the arms o...

By the tune of grover washington... i lay in my first official lonely day thinking, with a really sad smile how it will from now on... As a comet angel my “best friend” appeared to asking how i was feeling. Without knowing my situation she was able to feel that something wasn't ok... she is weird she always makes stuffs like that even been away. While i was talking to her i was thinking that she past for a similar situation in the past and when i was strong i was able to help her. Unfortunately, women are stronger than men in the “emotional department” reason that was easier for her to over past... after all the chat i was thinking that my previous behavior was completely wrong and funded in the wrong statements... reason that i can understand why my girlfriend lost the hope in me. Maybe is just her defense mechanism that is acting now activated for a situation she was able to compare suffered in the past... with an ironic smile i can understand that most of my frustration and imp...

with a lethal blow in my already broken soul i recieve the new year. Finally, i lost my hope for everything and for leaving.... my girlfriend accept that she dont see me in her futurure anymore. Why was that? She tought that she changed me and i'm not that angel she admired once... that hurst not because it a simple or a difficult situation but because what she is doing.. she end up the conversation saying that she decide to be alone now because she wants to pay for what she have done to me. That makes me think why she might be thinking; and the answer is “i dont know”. Are 6 a.m an I woke up just with a cold head and thinking in the situation logically and analyzing the fact i try to play with her words and see everything. She said i broke you up, and i feel guilty about that... now i leaving from your side because hurts and i need to pay and find a way to deal with that... this situation is so hard for me to asimilate because i look for an analogy and i just find...

With a horrible head ache and even worst stomach ache I wake up at 9 a.m after sleeping 3 hours in this sofa. Unable to hope and begin for a bullet in my neck. The brightness of the day torture me with a tender cloudy day. Then my heart start to feel like it will have a heart atack remembering parts of the email i wrote during the night to that person i unbelievably broke up with... yes, despite what i though looks like that i got broke up with that relationship i though i would be able to save this year... Later the panic made my hands shake to the tone of “gravity” playing in my computer when the nautilus sent me the confirmation that my email was written... immediately i checkout the facebook with my heart feeling like going out from my mouth thinking that the one i love change her status in facebook... whit this crappy internet speed the minutes become days and the wait unbelievable long. Fortunately she didn't change it, hope because she didnt feel it instead of because she j...