the iron mask
Just coming back home i can't stop thinking how stupid i feel in this moments. Everything started when i went out of house. Is the first time i break the rule, if you really don't feel it don't go out. I always thought that something bad would happen to people who go out when they don't want to.
The night start weird, getting home at 5 I was pretty sure that I wouldn't go until several people start to ask if I would go. But was until the very end that I said that perhaps I'll go. At 8 I was ready to get the train of 8:30 to be there at the estimated time, 9 but some minutes later i decided to take all my clothe off and work in my wii which unfortunately didn't work due the stupid wireless card. In matter of seconds I start to dress as fast as possible and went out of the house to take the next train to alexanderplatz. I was so late that in a normal situation I would leave it and stay. However, i just start to run and while my steps were getting faster, my tears start to come in a really abnormal abundance. In the other hand, my mind was unable to look for an answer of why I was running or why i was going. Really exhausted and feeling like trowing up i got to the train with some time even. With also a strange sensation that something good might happens. When i got there, everyone was there. Is so weird to get to a place where everyone knows you and you barely knows the country they are coming from.
The night started ok, with a short conversation with the cute mirne followed by a rain of mordant comments from merve and the comes and goes of questions from the people around. Then , the silence came, brought by the eternal stomach age i got since I realized that I become alone in this side of the world too.
The night move smoothly with the superficial chats, the drinks, the laughs and the funny view of german “dancing”. For the first time in a party i was able to sit and enjoy the view... no one talked to me in almost 3 mins, that time, was taken by the music who swing me with a loud lullaby.
Just before drowning, patricia took my hand and said, are you there? Are you coming with us? When i raised my face i found out that everyone was staring at me in silence like waiting for the numbers of the Bingo. In a second i tried to talk but words didn't come out, and my heart become in panic but my poker face saved me. Slowly the words “es tut mir leid. Heute bin ich sehr müde”, came from my mouth just like frogs and insects comes from a processed soul. In a blast i saw mirne's face change to a sad expression in front of me and i was only able to give a smile back.
Immersed in the nothingness of my mind without clear thought mirne took my left hand and ask me for the ring in my little finger saying how nice it was. When she asked were i got it tears came out from my eyes but a tender smile came with the answer “is a memento” a bit shocked i saw that she was unable to continue talking, for that reason, i just smiled and said “is a memoir, to remember to live in the present and not in the memories no matter how happy or sad they were”. After that, I saw her eyes how the start to sparkle and saying “then if you want to live the present come with us to matrix. With the last drops of kindness in my soul i just dropped her offer and in a comfortable silence i took her hands and gifted her a smile that her kindly return.
After that i felt that the mask i carefully prepared were falling apart and i started to worried about my mental stability which was perturbed by the music, the voices and looks of everyone around. And just when i thought that i would stan up and run away, merve looked at me with her typical face of “i love you, i hate you and like if she was able to understand my silence scream of help she stood up taking her coat and saying, ok guys is time to go. With a smile she asked me 3 times, why are you not comming with us to matrix? Words that i was able to avoid, giving the thanks i left to my house feeling that something inside of me got broke. Just in that moment i saw my phone hoping that, this wonderful woman of the ring would call me even knowing that the probability that it might happens again were all against me.
Getting home i felt to be safe of that. When suddenly tears came out without motive but without the intensity to wipe my confused feelings and need of a hug that in that cold night wont come...
my heart felt lighter once i got home and i realized that i'm just a player who have been so good in the game of interaction that lost her own identity. Like always touka kouka indeed i should not regreat and work with that.
An smile from the heavens, a tear from the sea, the warmth of the sun, the coldness and softness of the snow, if there is a god please let me feel them once again.
The night start weird, getting home at 5 I was pretty sure that I wouldn't go until several people start to ask if I would go. But was until the very end that I said that perhaps I'll go. At 8 I was ready to get the train of 8:30 to be there at the estimated time, 9 but some minutes later i decided to take all my clothe off and work in my wii which unfortunately didn't work due the stupid wireless card. In matter of seconds I start to dress as fast as possible and went out of the house to take the next train to alexanderplatz. I was so late that in a normal situation I would leave it and stay. However, i just start to run and while my steps were getting faster, my tears start to come in a really abnormal abundance. In the other hand, my mind was unable to look for an answer of why I was running or why i was going. Really exhausted and feeling like trowing up i got to the train with some time even. With also a strange sensation that something good might happens. When i got there, everyone was there. Is so weird to get to a place where everyone knows you and you barely knows the country they are coming from.
The night started ok, with a short conversation with the cute mirne followed by a rain of mordant comments from merve and the comes and goes of questions from the people around. Then , the silence came, brought by the eternal stomach age i got since I realized that I become alone in this side of the world too.
The night move smoothly with the superficial chats, the drinks, the laughs and the funny view of german “dancing”. For the first time in a party i was able to sit and enjoy the view... no one talked to me in almost 3 mins, that time, was taken by the music who swing me with a loud lullaby.
Just before drowning, patricia took my hand and said, are you there? Are you coming with us? When i raised my face i found out that everyone was staring at me in silence like waiting for the numbers of the Bingo. In a second i tried to talk but words didn't come out, and my heart become in panic but my poker face saved me. Slowly the words “es tut mir leid. Heute bin ich sehr müde”, came from my mouth just like frogs and insects comes from a processed soul. In a blast i saw mirne's face change to a sad expression in front of me and i was only able to give a smile back.
Immersed in the nothingness of my mind without clear thought mirne took my left hand and ask me for the ring in my little finger saying how nice it was. When she asked were i got it tears came out from my eyes but a tender smile came with the answer “is a memento” a bit shocked i saw that she was unable to continue talking, for that reason, i just smiled and said “is a memoir, to remember to live in the present and not in the memories no matter how happy or sad they were”. After that, I saw her eyes how the start to sparkle and saying “then if you want to live the present come with us to matrix. With the last drops of kindness in my soul i just dropped her offer and in a comfortable silence i took her hands and gifted her a smile that her kindly return.
After that i felt that the mask i carefully prepared were falling apart and i started to worried about my mental stability which was perturbed by the music, the voices and looks of everyone around. And just when i thought that i would stan up and run away, merve looked at me with her typical face of “i love you, i hate you and like if she was able to understand my silence scream of help she stood up taking her coat and saying, ok guys is time to go. With a smile she asked me 3 times, why are you not comming with us to matrix? Words that i was able to avoid, giving the thanks i left to my house feeling that something inside of me got broke. Just in that moment i saw my phone hoping that, this wonderful woman of the ring would call me even knowing that the probability that it might happens again were all against me.
Getting home i felt to be safe of that. When suddenly tears came out without motive but without the intensity to wipe my confused feelings and need of a hug that in that cold night wont come...
my heart felt lighter once i got home and i realized that i'm just a player who have been so good in the game of interaction that lost her own identity. Like always touka kouka indeed i should not regreat and work with that.
An smile from the heavens, a tear from the sea, the warmth of the sun, the coldness and softness of the snow, if there is a god please let me feel them once again.
Comentarios