solitude by the window

No matter how much I think about doing something about my new self, is difficult to deal with the situation of the always present feeling of solitude that sometimes overpass my expectations. Like an drug addict after a day of taking drugs, I cant stop thinking on the fact that, as much as I socialize and deal with different people, at the end of the day I end up feeling lonely and needing affection. As Much people I know and interact with, as big is the feeling of loneliness. Is like they are taking something of me that is precious but that I never owned.
Is this the reason why always humans are desperate for been in society? If that is the case, then it might justify this pain in the heart I have now, and that for moments, looks eternal. All this just makes me understand a bit more that little friend I left in Panama who was a hug addict. I never understood why someone was always waiting a hug in a world were people always looks for an excuse to keep their distances. Maybe have to be related with the fact of clean out the dust over the heart and let it listen to the universes around him, like those trees which dance at the tune of the wind in a forgotten forest in the middle of the nothingness.
I would like to be for once in this life a person who receive love. To have this special one who can reach me with their thoughts even in the most silent of the winter nights. I think there is not people like that anymore. As people grows up they loose the vision of love that once was pure. At the end everyone can express they real true feelings if the situation is worthy, like, when someone response after having a prove of the feelings of the person they infatuates for.
Is pretty melancholic to hear the teens says “I LOVE THAT PERSON WITH ALL MY HEART” when they make references to an artist or a famous person, because one day they will end up been someone who wouldn’t express nothing unless they receive something back. Like life resumes in give to receive or die with waiting for spontaneity.
I wish I could be like that hero that live happily alone enveloped by the love of that who was separated from him by the death. Lost in the memories of a life, lived without regrets and at fullest. Indeed, those are just things that only happens in literature or fiction that were inspired in old tales of a time that doesn’t exist anymore.
I think I did an inconvenient decision on let it myself go. For someone who was always the one who was there to save the others is impossible to in the other side. I remember say once “in this world there are 2 kind of people, those who need to be helped and those who helps”. Someone else continued my phrase by saying “and those who help, can’t be weak no matter what”. Is so clear now, people who are there to give can’t show weakness because they end up loosing their power and ends up coming something similar to the people they were use to save. Unfortunately, this people, for their peculiar nature, can only be saved by special people that doesn’t exist anymore. Maybe that people still exist, but just their shells due the core have been dried out by the day to day life.
I never believed that I would become a person who will be sitting in a bed at 3 a.m. wishing for a spontaneous sign of affection that will never come. Maybe I’m just a dreamer…
Where did the angels go? Why should I always applies to the non existent ? why do we always have excuses to justify our actions? I would give my soul right now if I could smile without doing it as a response to an external stimulation.

Maybe is just another night when I need a hug and a bread in my mouth…