Love in times of despair… irrational thoughts

Last night I though I touched ht bottom of my rationality, I found out that my dream were over long time ago. I’m not strong anymore; I found out that my power comes from the fact that I always have a place to come back after fighting with my demons. Now I have no place to come back, no home, no sanctuary I’m done…
The one who suppose to save me will become the one who give me the final blow? I feel like putting the knife in her hands. A knife made with all my mistakes and incongruent decisions. I hope you can forgive me one day.
I feel like Hancock now, I was a god once and for approaching to the one I love I become human. What kind of life is that one if you become vulnerable and useless for the one you love?
Why when we are in despair we try to justify our actions? Worst yet, why I can’t blame anyone. Even if this person asks me to complain about her, make her fall with the responsibility, I look into her eyes and love her. WHY I LOVE? Is my nature she says, is something good she says. Then? Why? I don’t want to be that hero everyone thinks I am. I want to be loved and love the woman that give me the power to walk on, the hope of a home. Is that so impossible?
Why I have become like this? Is this my true nature? I which to be the one with 1000 answers. Am I a liar? I’ve been a liar all this time?
Why we hurt people? Moreover, why we hurt people we love? Why we go apart to not hurting them and make ourselves paying and recapitulating all and end up hurting more those people?
Why every time there is a problem of 2, a 3rd comes to heal that wound the 2 weren’t unable to heal. Worst yet, why it only saves just 1.
Why I’m always for everyone in every time when they are in despair? And why I never get one for real?
Why I live in a world of dreams that hurts me more and more without noticing until my body is covered of blood by all the wounds the glasses of my sharp actions makes.
Why I get stuck every time I start to walk. Worst, why I need someone to push me?
I don’t see anything else in my life than worth to open my eyes every morning… now I understand the promise I made, is just an excuse, if someone wants to die just die. I’m not a person who really can kill himself. Not for a promise, not to not blame others, I don’t know yet. I guess is just that… I want to believe that there is hope inside of me… please this is the last lie to me M.k Please BELIEVE IT!
I’m wish I can won’t drag anyone with me, GOD IF YOU ARE SOMEWHERE LET ME GO TO HELL ALONE! IF THAT IS WHAT YOU WANT AH?
I think in hate now but I realize that is just anger, I can get to hate yet because no one can be blame for my misfortunes but me. Just me…
Why a smile came in to my face when I song comes into my ears? And why tears always accompany that smile?
Why I can see the sky now and smile? And wish for the wellness of others…
Warum kann ich nich lieben sein?
When i felt so down... when?

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