Rainy morning in the cold paradise...

Today i woke up with, the now usual pain in the throat, that makes me feel that i should sleep more. Thinking as usual in people that is far away, my face rapidly turned into a complex medley of emotions reflected in a sad smile. Is today my last day of classes for the year! I though, and made me feel better. But also with the worry, so what i'll gonna do next. So instead of meditating about the subject i decided to wake up early and take the train half and hour earlier... what for? Now that i'm in the train i'm wondering why.... maybe is because is really empty and the peace of mind is something that cant be buy.

Going back to the subject I think that to live without activities will become something really painful from now on... with no one to trust or even to deal with i will be like those sims chars that are only playing alone in there house. However, even those sims guys receive visits from time to time. Why i'm wondering that now? Maybe because as the one i love said, something inside of me got broke, and guess what makes me a bit human. Instead of improving my own self pushed by the tender hand of the loneliness. The feeling of torture due the lack of human interaction makes the life a bit hard now. But something i would never do is to blame someone for that. Because everything that happens to me is because i accepted and i look for it . I hope the one who gave me feeling understand that, because is something that will help her to over well that stupid pain she is inflicting to herself.
Thinking about that subject a bit i can feel something really sad about her and is that she can't understand that she doesn't love me anymore and that is worst to the fact that she thinks that she cannot forgive herself for their actions. I what attach her to the silence of not admitting that is something that hurts in a really bad way. Is like she doesn't want to let me be free. She says, i want the best for you and my daughter. However, she doesn't act to that happens... i cant find the way to make her understand that if she doesn't love me anymore the only way that she can help me is letting me go or helping me die.... therefore i think that the affection she developed for me during all this years is something she cannot easily forget and that's why is so complicated. Of course the optimistic part of me want to believe that she have become confused and that she can't understand what she feels now, reason why she have to enclose herself in order to think about the situation.
But there is a sad thing about this situation... once day this person said, i feel free.... that peaceful feeling was mostly for the reason that we were separated and that all the stuffs she was doing were stand still... of course this person have the opportunity to interact with other people matter that will help her to at least distract herself. The sad thing i see in this is that by avoiding thinking about the situations and TAKING ACTION about them what some one do is just prolong the pain and the suffering she auto inflict to herself and the people that is involved in her existential issues. Anyways i just can only wait until the time she decide to move on and take a decision. Would be good or bad for me is something that doesn't worries me anymore... I been wondering that the reason that i was able to come here at the end wasn't for her because is a person who forgot what “love for me” long long time ago. I think now that i was able to come is to die here contemplating a wonderful but nostalgic dream.
What i feel for this person will never change as the same feeling for the other people who took a part of my heart didn't change.... that is some kind of masochism indeed but at least is something i can recognize that in a way the life have to continue even if my soul falls dead.

I dont want to talk anymore, is already 20 and i'm still dope...

Anyways such is the life in this old country forgotten by the gods