A vision of the future?
There i found out the most beautiful police i ever saw and she check out my 2 tickets and surprise that both tickets where for the same day. After 5 mins of talking she was wondering why i should travel alone to a country for just one day without having anyone to receive me. At middle of the conversation she wasn't wondering anymore why just one day but why alone. At the end i just had to told her that wouldn't be a problem to be alone considering that i would come back just in a couple of hours. After deliberating she did what i wanted, stamp my fricking passport.
Then, i decided to take a round close the airport, to go to Hayes to meet the place but before that to do the important stuff, drink a cup of british style hot schocolade! What people and the legends says about british chocolate is entirely true. Is sweeter than american so is something that can be enjoy... after that i decided to work a bit in the laptop and while i was doing that i was paying attention to the people around and i was able to understand why the worry of the police officer. Everyone have a motive and a contact to meet while travel. Even the back packer, everyone have someone who is waiting somewhere for them. That makes me think... do i have someone like that? That made me doubt because to be honest i was unable to answer that question. Then i saw my reality i'm alone in a foreign country just walking around waiting for the time to come back or to decide to travel around after that what will happen at the end of the day ? I'll go back to Germany and the police will look at me as a terrorist/drug dealer face and interrogate me until i confess a crime i didn't do? And what next? Take a lonely bus, later a lonely train and a lonely walk embraced by the -0.3 ° c of the temperature tonight. What for? To get to a lonely apartment to clean out the dishes I left in the Spülbecke to later cook. Of course i thought mmmmm i should buy food before getting home but that might not fit in my body now.
So all the deliverance made me thing about how is my life. Is not so different than when i use to live in Panama the last year... the only difference that the weather wasn't cold and sometimes i can have the surprise of find the rest of the people or in a good case extra food delivered by some special occasion. And then i thought.... why it hurts now and not before.... is basically the same situation in that aspect.... and it makes me think mmmm going for the light side i was in my country, i was working and studying and in an environment i can control... now is the opposite but that wasn't a reason at the end of been alone in my room is the main fact that have change in this time...
it made me realize that have to be with one main factor that is resume in “faith”. In that time i was also sad but i lost the hope in everything. Live alone is something i was decided by my own self i didn't have anything to lose in that moment because i thought that the only light i had was lost already. Although, now i have a dim light in my sky that i can 't reach and i think that is the source of m y frustration. It made me think hundred stuffs about that and the basic analogy that i found about this is that... is easier to live in the complete darkness knowing that It will continue like that than knowing that there is something call light and hoping that it will come without having the security of if that will actually come some day.
All this made me realize that the bastard who said “ is better to love and lose than never love” was talking about a love that have been lost by a mayor force like a tragedy. Because a love that can be there in the distance and can't be found but continue present is more mortifying than the hardest of the nazi tortures. Is like the constant feeling of everything is in decadence in our own body but it never finish and it never stop.
All this made me feel disappointed of my own person and my impotence for improve my own situation...
after thinking about that and wander like a lost airport ghost for 4 hours. I saw that all the people have a destination in life and that for some reason i dont have mind. However, that life was something i could take... wander from country to country just watching the human nature in all its splendor from a lonely balcony is what waits for me now... learning and taking all the weakness of that human behavior in my advantage is what i have to do in order to survive.
I was thinking that looks like after today i will only have 3 more months to continue living in this side of the word and once i leave there what will arrive to Panama will be just an empty shell who lost all his hope and willing to living in this old side of the world.
But i already start to develop several ideas in order to survive. Unfortunately, all have to be applied in completely solitude at the end i might transform in the human monster i always counter because is the easiest way to survive in that little continent forgotten by the gods.
Makes me sad to think about that because there is someone important in my life that i swear to support no matter what but if i transform in that “survival being” i will have to cut any connection with this person like if i never exist or in the best of the case what ever happened was just part of a short but beautiful dream. All this is not because I'm afraid to hurt her, the contrary i can even help her better in her condition lie that... but i don't want her to see in what kind of monster i become. I wish that she always keeps me in her mind as the angel she visualized once.
Tomorrow is the first day of the regressive countdown t-90 days..... 90 days for the complete decadence, I'm mentally tired and my heart is lonely... this night i took my heart and put it in the balcony of the broken dreams to dry until the end of the year... lets see if like that i would be able to “enjoy” a bit more the time left as a “being with feelings”....
i would give the world for a massage, or a peaceful death now....
peace out
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