Yume no Ato

After almost 3 years of usage, I decided to finally close my FB account. Without thinking if I’ll make it permanent or just temporal I decided to just stop watching the other peoples life, playing addictive games and or just chatting with some people I met once and might not even see again in person. I think that what freaks me out of the service is the friend hunting most of the people do there and see how pathetic are their tries to call the attention of the people who knows them. Also, remembering the “social network effect” exposed in Dr. Dubar’s paper where they express that no matter how much people we have in contact with, the brain can only register up to 150 people. Think that makes me think WHAT’S THE POINT OF ADDING SO MUCH PEOPLE YOU BARELY TALK WITH???????? Well, after all that I just realized that I just felt like them in the “social network wave” and I was just wasting my already complicated time there. Is incredible the amount of time we have once we just stop been ...

Al intentar lograr su cometido no tuvo nunca una impresión del daño que causaba y aun así cuando le preguntaban como esta Miguel me han dicho que lo han visto arder ella se sonreía y contestaba así: a Miguel hay que sacarlo de ese mundo en el que vive por que no logra comprende que así como las flores nacen también se marchitan y lo que el tiempo quita no podrá jamás volver... mil años de escuchar la cancion y aun sigue atormendandome... que ironia de canción....

Since some days ago I start to move on and try to assimilate my decision of leaving her… after a while I’m not so sure what I was trying to look for me then because the plan just backfired to me and instead of been able to concentrate more in my duties I just lost total control of my psyche without mention the details of the fact that also my luck run out. But the good thing is that my mask still works pretty well. Sadder is the idea that people just let themselves goes for the external view of the people to start to develop a “me” of their own point of view. Feel how the different versions of me start to develop in the mind of everyone who interact with me becomes kind of sucky to the point of makes me feel sick. Maybe is just that I’m sick of my self at look that my appearance always looks exactly in the opposite way. Happier I look, sadder I felt this week. Also I think that is my fault to make of that an involuntary reaction in order to make people doesn’t ask too many questions....

Después de mucho tiempo he vuelto a este blog, y a mi idioma original simplemente por que por ahora no puedo más. Este dolor era el que quería evitar de un principio al tener una relación con alguien tan importante y ahora que lo he dejado todo para poder ser yo mismo y tener mi espacio, el dolor que siento es tan grande que literalmente me he enfermado. Después de mucho tiempo puedo entender que lo que decía aquella chica con quien salí un tiempo era cierto era cierto… al estar tendido en mi cama solo pude pensar en sus palabras “el motivo por el cual siempre te enfermas en la misma época del año y las medicinas no te funcionan es por qué tu fiebre no es a causa de algún virus, sino del estrés mental que tu subconsciente crea en esta época del año”. Después de 3 dias aun me siento como una mierda, sin poder hacer nada no puedo dejar de pensar en lo mal que me siento… Ahora veo que aun me falta mucho por entender en lo que a vivir corresponde. He dejado el 90% de mi vida atrás y otra...

As you weave your hand that says , someday lets meet again your smiling face Is eternally burned into my memory My face wish replied “that’s right” I wonder if I was able to laugh convincing Even if we cannot remain like this And even if we are washed away by the future It never changes, it’s not a lie That we are able to meet right now Even though I was free as a bird I was as lonely as the wind We can never return, it can never become dirty This canvas of ours…

Sometimes we have to leave what we know in order to value what we have someone says. Indeed just try to follow what our hearts indicates brings most of the time good things even when in the moment we are unable to understand them. This days, I decided to travel around Europe, with first destiny Italy. After a week in the country of the pasta and the pizza, I saw how easy my perspective of the world can be changed. Yesterday, remembering the discussion with my late German teacher I can corroborate that home is not a place that is static to me as normal people consider for them. Heimat, home, hogar, terms that are subjective as the people who ask for them. But with not strong answers to a person like me. I felt that I found my place in Berlin, a city that have everything and easier to manipulate as people thing once you become legal. However, I saw in a small island in the middle of the Mediterranean sea that my “auto inculcated idea” was as unstable as drunk person playing over ice. ...

taking a break of this new life I just enjoy here a hot chocolate in this interesting cafe that only have soups or drinks. Enjoying my chocolate and tempted with a choko amareto I can't stop thinking how easy the connections can be made with other entities in this world. What is this thing called affection that is so easily to develop for some people and so difficult for others? I never had that problem but I can't stop wondering for some people I know that is so difficult to interact with others. Indeed, maybe some people have that touch that let others to see an easy person to get close that others don't. I wish to know how does life is in the other side just to understand the mood of those who doesn't get the chance to get closer to others that easily and try to do something for them. I think that most of the people who create problems are just only people that is misunderstood and get to the point to explode. Well lets see, now I have to meet some people like that....

With the melodic voice of Julie London singing as time goes by in my bus going home, I can't stop feel nostalgia for that little person who accompanied me in this interesting month since I return to Germany. Recapitulating is like living a second chapter of a mess up book called the M.K. Chronicles. This time with an better perception of the life that makes me finally enjoy every single minute of what have been happening this month. With a smile in the face I can believe how simple does the world is once we decide to finally move on. And I think that I found out what can makes me feel so easy even in the most compromised of the situations. So, basically been a “human” and deal with my pain like a cross to the Golgotha of my life is not what I should follow to live on. Now I can see that the secret is not try to be a good person, because that is something that is from the heart of the people , nor try to be strong or hard to tolerate the “injustices” of the world...

I am supposed to pursue my dream in this narrow winding road, stuttering in the crowds of people It's not that I want to return to that past, I am just searching for the sky I have lost. I hope you understand. Don't show the sad face as if you have been sacrificed. Tears do not end a sin. We have to carry it with us through in this maze of feelings with no ends in sight. Who am I waiting for? As scribbled on the blank note, I want to be more honest. What do I want to escape from? Is it this thing called "reality"? "For what am I living?" In the middle of the night as my memories are fading. I can't play safe anymore, but there is nowhere to go too. There's still so much in life to remove this feeling. I will feel nostalgic about it. I welcome this pain. I have to apologize for this. Ah, I'm sorry. I can't say it well. I'm just causing worries. Everything that I embraced that day. Everything that I will embrace tomorrow I will not arrange ...

It has stopped nothing moves Not even I myself feel like I do. Empty space a world where nothing exists. There I am, trown out into such a space. It has stopped nothing moves I am at a “standstill”... Alive. I am alive. I breathe, and my body moves. I can laugh, cry and grieve. But... I haven't moved forward anywhere. I am at a “standstill”... To a heart such as mine, a small breeze blew in. I tought it was something petty. It wasn't supposed to be felt for too long. But that wind covered me completely. It wrapped arround me so warmly.... I heard from someone, the universe continually expands, that is alive. But to me, I can only see the universe is stopped. The event of stopping, in a way, I think is very close to eternity. I mean, you see, that way, It feels more like the universe. The universe is stopped. Just like how my feelings are at a “standstill”....

Girl 1: you are the most spontaneous and crazy person I ever met in my life. Thanks I never thought that have a live without plans and going forward would be this exiting. Girl 2: I hate when you plan everything. Your life has to be so boring. 2 women, 2 point of view; the first knows the person I become, the second knows the person I was. How is possible to have opposite opinions with similar auras? I changed, my essence changed I never thought that something like that might happen. And I have to apologize in front of all the people I mistreat due my old dogmas. I have no fixed opinions anymore just strict decisions and conviction behind them. The price was too high for me… now just have to move on and smile for those I harmed.

a week ago i felt in the bottom of my exasperation. I felt in a whole so deep that i was unable to literally breath any more. Living in a world of disguised truths and bended realities i found out how weak and dirty I become. Hurting everyone beside me i was unable to tolerate to rise my head any more. So I didnt have any more options to look for help, to go back to my roots and see what I have lost. There i saw how repugnant I've become and how harmful I've been for the people i love or took care of me during all this time. Ironically i was looking for the maximum punishment and what i found was absolute redemption in my life. Once at all I was able to forgive myself. I was able to make peace once at all with me, with my family, with the people who think that are friends of mine, and even with god. All that people that I abandoned by the wrong unstable actions took my apologized in a way that i never thought that i might deserve. It felt so unexpected that i ...

[02:12:40] Tu amiGa ImaGinaRia: vas a tratar de "reconquistarla" ? [02:12:55] que te importa como me llamo: que cosa? [02:13:04] Tu amiGa ImaGinaRia: a tu ex esposa [02:15:08] que te importa como me llamo: nop, recuerdas lo que te dije ayer de que debo hacer mi vida y hacer que esta ande en armonia con la vida de la gente normal? pos ella es del grupo de la gente no normal pero que v ive en el mundo normal, por lo cual son 2 mundos que no machean, uno incompleto (el mio) y uno semi establecido en el que ella diambula con mas gente. so es mejo no cometer los mismos errores. si ella quiere darse una vuelta por nowhereland pos no le negare la visa pero no creo uqe le de la residencia [02:19:40] … sip por mas que quiera, cada vez qeu hablo con ella me doy cuenta mas y mas qeu si vuelvo a estar con alguien asi pos dejo de ser como yo y puff se jode la mamasita [02:20:39] Tu amiGa ImaGinaRia: cm en hancock? [02:21:22] que te importa como me llamo: haha sabes que eres la primera per...

If a grain of wheat don't fall in the earth and die, it become infertile, however, if it dies give a lot of fruits. As Jesus said in one of his parabolas, when we give ourselves in an uninterested all the results become amazingly good. Therefore, we have to give something in exchange for it. Just as the fact that a mother can't give birth to a child without pain, sportsmen win without giving up some pleasures due the training, or student give their resting time to get a good grade. Discipline always implies move, giving our old self in order to get a new one. We can have true love if we don't resign to ourselves for the sake of those we love. Of course is too utopic to be handle for the real world. However, I still think that there have to be a way on it in order to be able to do that. I will always believe that as long as we focus, our love can make us stronger.

last night I got back to Panama and here i just found out that things barely change with time. However, is ok for me due is good to see what i've lost and which mistakes i commit to made me be a part that was a bit blurry to see. With a new perspective, I'm leaving now all those grunge and heavy weight I had for this months to see from a wider point of view what to do with my life. Back in my room. I can see how organized actually my life have become after all. Pretty structured and solid since a couple of weeks, makes me feel more optimistic. So is time to end up writing stuff about a feeling that I was unable to understand and move on. What is done is done, and I just can learn of it, I need new blood to go back to Germany the next week with a more wide and wise point of view. I want to apologize the people I dragged to me with my pain in this blog and let them free of toughs to center in what is important, evolve. Of course the change is not instant reaso...

There are moments in life where I feel that I’m breaking. This is one of those moments when I can’t see the light in the horizon and makes me feels so impotent. “At the door of the stove the bread burns” says the statement that is so true and was the first thing I thought yesterday when I saw that everything went so smoothly for the first day. Of course my pessimistic nature had to make a bad joke about such a delicate situation and now I feel like once again stabbed in the back by the daily life. Therefore, I won’t let things goes that easy. As I said once, only the accidents, coincidences and what we can do exist, I have to prove myself that “if I die” I’ll do it that with wearing my boots. By the run of the minutes, that I’m realizing that love is something that will never save me. I become more objective to the fact that my coming to this country hasn’t been more than a huge mistake sustained by a promised made with an impulsive feeling. I want to scream for help but to whom? Where...

Yesterday I was thinking in the words “I feel that I can’t love you anymore how I use to”, said for nali when we were having a conversation that started really hard due my incompetence. When I close the phone I felt strangely relief, due the fact, that if I have to comment about it I should say exactly the same. I can see many things about this person now that are really confusing. I feel that I always start to talk with one person and end up talking with another. In the same way, I started to talk with someone long time ago and I felt in love with another person. What I see in nali is that something in here grew; the fact is that more than grew it becomes old, wise. No changes in human behavior are bad as long as is for the wellness of the person involved. Then I feel that something worst happen here. The principle of touka kouka indicates that to gain something of certain value, something with equal value have to be sacrificed. What have you sacrificed nali? I think that you don’...

yesterday I was able to read the statement regarding what caused Hendrik's death. And as I though and plastered in my first post. I felt pretty accurate in my observation. People who acts like him usually end up involving with dangerous people who can create this sort of situations. Unfortunately for him, this time wasn't either an exception and he end up paying the consequences. But what is done is done and nothing can be change in his side. In the other hand, there are this individuals who provoked his death with the intention of “lecture him some behavior”. How people who doesn't control herself can say stuffs like that? Everything is remotes to the ancient times of life were the “stronger” rule over the weak. But looking up at the human history is also stronger doesn't mean equal of statements in this situations. As “good coward humans” 3 guys were involved in the situation against hendrik. And with the most primitive “way of the human” the end up ...

today I received 2 mails regarding the same subject of my actual time, for some reason everyone just continue saying that i should drop out my dreams and get real. Indeed, is a situation that have to be evaluated considering that nothing good have been coming to my life since i came here. Then, why i don't feel like instigated of my present condition? Mayabe I finally become completely crazy submerged in my bizarre dream world. I should make a proper analysis of my situation to continue moving forward in some direction no matter the results of the next day. Inevitably, I can't stop myself of doing plants even considering that they are not useful when the situation depends so much of many external factors I can control. All this, only shows me that no matter how much I want to be autonomous, my life doesn't depends of me alone. Moreover, the fact that I still want to move on in my plans makes me feels like a criminal who is hurting people who says that take care of me. But i...

11:30 in the night and finally I can enjoy some minutes of silence after a complete day hearing noises around me of people, that for some reason, never shut the fuck up. That makes me think a bit about this people who talk and talk and i see that all of them have something in common. They just talk, they don't pay attention at all to anything anyone else says. Even when they silence themselves for some seconds, everything other people says is meaningless to them. So the irony of this that they can express so good and fluent in spite they can't communicate. I've been feeling so annoy of voices lately that makes me think that is not good for me to continue thinking like that. I never enjoy more silence than anymore before. But the dangerous thing of all this comes in the situation that when i have to communicate everything becomes really difficult to me. Not because of the language, but because the worlds doesn't exist anymore. I don't want to fall...