T – 10 days a stray walk to decadence

today I received 2 mails regarding the same subject of my actual time, for some reason everyone just continue saying that i should drop out my dreams and get real. Indeed, is a situation that have to be evaluated considering that nothing good have been coming to my life since i came here. Then, why i don't feel like instigated of my present condition? Mayabe I finally become completely crazy submerged in my bizarre dream world. I should make a proper analysis of my situation to continue moving forward in some direction no matter the results of the next day. Inevitably, I can't stop myself of doing plants even considering that they are not useful when the situation depends so much of many external factors I can control. All this, only shows me that no matter how much I want to be autonomous, my life doesn't depends of me alone. Moreover, the fact that I still want to move on in my plans makes me feels like a criminal who is hurting people who says that take care of me. But in the other hand I feel like having a wining hand ready to be played but without the opportunity of doing it yet due the correct time doesn't come.
Today I received a really hard stab in my heart with the words of the one who suppose to care for me without condition. And I have no idea how to deal with it. Well truth is that rationally I know how to deal with the situation but now i have my heart with me and is freaking me out. I hate to have feelings in a situation like this. But in a way it can be good to be suffering in this situation due it might implies that I can get rid of this once the final stab come.
I feel that I can understand how does the trees feels when winter comes, with the small different that I don't feel like waiting for a new spring in my heart or life.
The plan B is ready for execution with an ironic smile waiting slowly like a snake for a rat in the night....

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