Yume no Ato

Now many people in many blogs might be writing about what they want for the next year. Usually, the 90% of those new year resolutions ends up in never land after 1 or 2 weeks. Most of them because of the classic “tomorrow i'll start” or “lets wait until we get to the normal life”. The puristic in myself would be silently insulting this people in silence due they low and weak will to accomplish they objectives. However, this days I start to be more tolerant with the humanity and understand that everyday they can change. Simple, every day is a new year. So as long as we continue living we can change for good or for bad. What I do about those “determined people” now is simply laugh and evaluate how long will take to them to impose an excuse in order to stop they plans. Without judging them if what they do is good or bad they can end up doing whatever they want. Of course, I have to congrats the people who is able to accomplish them but never say anything about the pe...

I was always wondering why the people once falls in love become so irrational. Well, never say never should be the proverb that i might be paying right now. Today i had a conversation with that person who means the air to me... and now, almost 12 hours later, i can see how stupid my mind can be in some situations. For example, when we start to talk i was thinking in why she cant see me. She just say, she is not ready yet. However, my stupid mind have like a little devil beside saying “on nice she can't face you but she can go out with other people and have a normal live with them” but then I think, she needs more opinions and voices around her in order to let her see the obvious. But my “devil side” can't still understand why have to be away of the relationship. Maybe i think well every time I had a problem in my life I always solved by myself and thats why I can understand why if she have something that delicate she decide to go and talk with some other people or simply dis...

today I decided to travel to U.K due the simple fact that is the closest country not included officially in the chengen treaty. Once in the airport of london i was wondering what would be my excuse to avoid further encounter with the royal police that might cause something bad considering the delicacy of the operation. There i found out the most beautiful police i ever saw and she check out my 2 tickets and surprise that both tickets where for the same day. After 5 mins of talking she was wondering why i should travel alone to a country for just one day without having anyone to receive me. At middle of the conversation she wasn't wondering anymore why just one day but why alone. At the end i just had to told her that wouldn't be a problem to be alone considering that i would come back just in a couple of hours. After deliberating she did what i wanted, stamp my fricking passport. Then, i decided to take a round close the airport, to go to Hayes to meet the plac...

Today i woke up with, the now usual pain in the throat, that makes me feel that i should sleep more. Thinking as usual in people that is far away, my face rapidly turned into a complex medley of emotions reflected in a sad smile. Is today my last day of classes for the year! I though, and made me feel better. But also with the worry, so what i'll gonna do next. So instead of meditating about the subject i decided to wake up early and take the train half and hour earlier... what for? Now that i'm in the train i'm wondering why.... maybe is because is really empty and the peace of mind is something that cant be buy. Going back to the subject I think that to live without activities will become something really painful from now on... with no one to trust or even to deal with i will be like those sims chars that are only playing alone in there house. However, even those sims guys receive visits from time to time. Why i'm wondering that now? Maybe because as the one i love ...

This is one of those morning i wake up and i don't have idea where i am and why. Covered by a soft blanket below another red blanket i just can focus my senses in the pain that i feel in my throat who says “dude you are not recovered of your flu yet if you slip i'll fuck you like a raper is fucked in a panamaniam jail”. After that and concentrate in avoid the pain i made the typical evaluation of my entire body and i saw that as i predicted the pain in my stomach would disappear today... is so curious how well i know how my body works in this situations. Yes i know how human body works and everything. However my works a bit difference. To explain it in simple words my body always takes a bit longer to recover if the damage is in one of he internal organs. Taking the example of my stomach... and making a simple explanation of what is a gastritis, a gastritis is just irritation in the core of the stomach caused by the acid of the same stomach that burn for some reason, th...

It was funny that today i start to think about that song, after been in the train with my usual depressive face just in the other side was a girl who use to smile at me a lot but well i'm not for human interactions like now so i didn't paid attention. For been in the long distance train is normal that people feel comfortable and fall asleep but for some reason today i as unable to close my eyes and relax in that train. So, meanwhile i use to “entertain” my self and thinking that when i get home i would be alone i start to look around. While i was looking around i paid attention to the girl who gifted me a kind smile when she got into the train in Alexander platz and while i saw her sleep i noticed that she was really cute. Indeed, due the fact that living things only shows their true beauty. After that i just start to watch the rails again passing by and suddenly the “ticket-verifier” came and that woke up the girl. Who start to look at me directly, fact that i was able to ...

One starless night, a lost soul in a cold lost country received of a gray angel. Even with no wings and tainted by the dirtiness of the world she was able to illuminate the poor lost soul with a wonderful smile. Once stood in front of the soul, the angel blitz against him and embraced you with such a warm gentleness that melt something inside of this soul. Something that he tried to freeze in order to survive. After that, the soul, still confused took the angel with him to a borrowed refugee were he was living. There, this lost soul who only knows pain tried to release all this suffering in the angel trying to look for his own doom in hoping to finally disappear. looking the ending of his own existence, the soul got in shock when the angel instead of give him the final blow she start to spread tears for him that becomes stars in the middle of that sorrowful night. The lost soul who was enduring and looking for the death stayed disarmed against the wonderfulness of the angel and th...

7:31 p.m., with an, every day more common feeling of disappointment i lay in this stranger room alone and without hope in the tomorrow. Thinking in the fact that the age finally is affecting me i just try to distract the pain of the gastritis caused by the stress with light piano melodies. This idea of that the ages are posing over my shoulder only makes me thinks 2 things, the fact that something in me is preparing himself to die and that I woudn't be able to hide the consequences of my weak body. Weakness, the only thing i can relate with hate in my life is what start to overwhelm me now. Since I was born my body have been sick, with a dirty blood, i've been always prone to illness and to the stigma of always be weaker as any regular human in similar conditions. For that fact since i have memory i've been training my body to surpass any test in live to the point that everyone thought that i've been some kind of lucky guy with and born talent that few p...

in a sunday that i can almost sleep propertly i woke up at 11 a.m. in this strange bed/appartment with the familiar feeling of every single day. Without forces to wake up decide to stay in bed the whole time. An odd curiosity makes me checkout my cellphone to find out several messages asking what are my plans for last night... I think that fortunatelly i didnt listen to them or maybe i would be ending in another station freezing without any reason. after that some wierd feeling makes me realize that my nose was bleeding a bit again. Is the 2nd time in a month and i think it have to be related with the eternal flu and the fact that is still not in the correct position, plus the eternal cold is exposed. During all this time my brain, the only part of my body that is always active, decide to think about many random stuffs. All of them, related with the eternal analisys of the human behavior and between all the shit bounding in my head the most prominent thought was the fact I've been ...

One legend tales the life of a knight so powerful that he use to be consider the devil itself. This is one different vision of the story of that famous knight called Arthur. Yes the story of this man who was able to conquer the middle age age as the strongest of the kings that ever exist. Only surpassed by the great and first of the kings Giglamesh. Arthur was always considered as the strongest, cleverest and honorable of the knights. Unfortunately, even the strongest of the men always find his weakness in the things they love. The biggest of the ironies is that what makes them strong is also what makes them weak and eventually destroy them. Have been the eternal history of the world. We can see it in all the great men and all the great situations. Once a hero involves their feelings it becomes weak and end up paying loose in the time as an epic legend. Just to mention some of them we can mention people like Julius Cesar, Athur, Napoleon, Neron claudio cesar, Hercules and sanson. All ...

Is well known that the African elephants once they get too old and is their time to die they retire to a secret sanctuary were they peacefully rest until their time to leave this world comes. This is the story of an elephant who was unable to reach that final destination.... Once upon a time, there was a small elephant who was born in a golden cradle. Really weak but with a strong determination and an peculiar way of thinking the elephant never gave up about the negative comments about it limits. During it difficult life the elephant decided to overcome every weakness that his body and mind present becoming day by day an stronger animal. In this process this elephant had to encounter hundreds of situations, adversaries and test that was able to surpass. The elephant, founds out that he was able to do more and that as long as he was having more tests and situations, it found out that he had to overpass or manipulate people in order to accomplish what it was working on. And then, it a...

another day i wake up in an stranger bed wondering why did i woke up. The now regular feeling of eternal disappointment is only perturbed by an strange dizziness that doesn´t let me wake up properly nor walk. Thinking why i should stand walk or go out the room makes me understand that there is no reason for that. There is no difference to those months when i use to do the same in another country. Unfortunately my brain started to also think in the same way and i know by experience that if i dont force myself to live i will end up wasting too much time again. Looks that the day will be a crap today it end up with a unusual cold weather with sucky snow mode and now i just found out that my monthly card for the train expired yesterday. How? Cuz the guy checking the cards today just told me so i had to pay the ticket at least and not the charge for been without ticket..... anyways for now is not so bad to continuing falling cuz as always once t he floor have been reached... the only th...

In one little world forgotten by the gods, an hopeless guy use to live. Having what the colleagues, catalogs as an almost perfect life this guy wandered during the days without a proper reason to live. Always wondering why he have to accomplish an old promise that he was unable to understand the reason why he was forced to make it, this little guy was expecting for a never coming dead to pick him up in silence without anything notice that. The guy was almost perfect, people said, “he is successful”, “everything he touch becomes gold”, “ he is always happy and never stress for anything” without noticing that it was just a mask in order to avoid the contact with superficial people who would like to ask “how are you?” just for the mere auto idea of thinking that they are good and they do something good for the other if they show some kind of empathy with their situation even if they don really care. But, deep inside of his room this kid just use to get into his bed an...

today i woke up with a really uneasy feeling. Now that my memory came back, I'm able to recover all those weird fellings and frighting memories my brain tried to protect me of during all this years. But what i have to understand now is that not everything was bad. I had some good experiences that actually, made that time the best moments i ever had. To resume that it fell like living in a small heaven in the middle of a big hell created by my own habilities. But anyways that is something i dont want to talk about today. Is about how i fell. My present condition is sick/depresive/sensitive to the weather. But is not so different as before. Today i woke up with this familiar sensation that makes me remembers the scarifying mornings i use to wake up when i use to swim. Also, i found out that is not as different as when i use to woke up in morning to go to work at dell, go to the university. Or go to my office when i had my companies. That makes me thing that i've always got sick ...

long way to go I walk a long way while muttering that I'm sorry for this kind of myself. Innocent butterfly, Fly into the blue sky. By myself, tears spill sadly at nightfall It's Cold... An excessively long, dark night Opens my eyes Sadness passes by painfully. But I suddenly throw it all away Because you loved me... Kiss me and stay with me like flower blooming in eternity moves on, fleeting strongly. How could you smile for me It's fine not to do anything I want to forever be beside you . Always closely stand by me You softly caressed my cheek Your warmth... It's gentle... A silent love of illusions... Opens my eyes I was a weak, stupid person A foolish being... But you forgave me... Kiss me and say good bye... A closed-up flower rings out weakly and sadly. How could you cry for me It's fine not to say anything I want to forever be beside you Always be beside me, smiling for me... Kiss me and stay with me... A flower blooming in eternity moves on, fleeting str...

me dicen que solo de ti recuerdo lo bueno, pero francamente no creo que haya algo mal en ti...

La gente piensa que cuando uno es bueno en algo o en varias cosas es a simple vista de pensar que esto es bueno. Que uno se destaque, que pueda hacer la vida de los demás más fácil. Pero rara vez se ha visto que es así. Irónicamente con el tiempo he conocido personas muy talentosas en muchas áreas y a pesar que la diferencia de ámbitos en las que se desenvuelven todas terminan cayendo en el mismo destino. La relación de talento versus sociabilidad es muy fácil de definir. El talento es inversamente proporcional a la proximidad de las personas. Dicho en cristiano mientras más talento uno tiene en un área determinada más uno es alejado de las personas que lo rodean en dicha área. Irónicamente muchas no lo hacen con intención de celo, envidia o desdén. Suele suceder que muchos lo hacen pensando que es lo mejor para las personas talentosas ya que “así se pueden desarrollar mejor sin nada que los retrase” sin saber el daño que le hacen a esas personas al punto tal que he visto muchas de esa...

Hoy cometí la más grande estupidez de la semana. Si como supuesto día de san Valentín decidí hacer una llamada simplemente para desear feliz san Valentín. Sabiendo que no contestaría el teléfono esperaba la grabación sencilla y corta de siempre sin embargo me encuentro con un hi y un mensaje un poco más elaborado. Al escuchar su voz explicando el hecho de que no estaba disponible y que dejara su número y nombre etc etc en ese idioma tan peculiar quede en shock. Pensé que estaba preparado para simplemente dejar un mensaje y desear un feliz día pero el shock fue tanto que demore en poder decir algo coherente antes de terminar diciendo lo que iba a decir… al cerrar el teléfono me sentí como al principio una gran…. Y prácticamente todo el día si no fuera por que me distraje entre reuniones y charla con una amiga que me ha soportado durante todos estos días tan patéticos… finalmente pude contenerme y distraerme para poder llegar a mi curso este raro idioma nocturno y pasar un buen rat...

The agony of human race, never leave like a shadow The end of life, now we can feel the time Throw the stone to lake of tears Can you hear the sound of sadness Remember now, the pain we took on the road We want see some other way, but we are blind Give me a light and show me the way We still walk alone I can't fight this feeling In everything we can feel the joy of freedom It's not a dream, I wonder Let me feel your heart that full of joy Now all the game is over Now got a heat of new legend We believe the light of freedom Create your life Now we can feel the time Bring the storm of the ancient rage Can you hear the sound of darkness Remember now, the pain we took on the road We want see some other way, but we are blind Give me a light and show me the way We still walk alone I can't fight this feeling In everything we can feel the joy of freedom It's not a dream, I wonder Let me feel your heart that full of joy Now all the game is over I can see the light I can feel ...

El tiempo congelado me hace tiritar Construiré mis memorias manchadas, hasta que la tristeza acabe di algo, aquella palabra bendecida Di algo, miéntele a mi corazón di algo, solo dime tus dulces mentiras Di algo, acaba con mi corazón Si yo no puedo volver de donde vengo, viviré solo en mis sueños Mojándome en la lluvia interminable Pinte mis lagrimas corriendo dentro de mis sueños di algo, cualquier cosa que quieras decirme Di algo, tu estas fuera de mi vista di algo, todo lo que oigo es una voz dentro de mi sueño Di algo, tu puedes secar todas mis lagrimas Las luces del escenario están apagadas, mirando en soledad Abrazado por los días pasados Destruye todo incluso nuestro amor sagrado hasta que desaparezca en las arenas del tiempo di algo, cualquier cosa que quieras decirme di algo, aquella palabra bendecida Di algo, miéntele a mi corazón di algo, solo dime tus dulces mentiras Di algo, acaba con mi corazón Cierra tus ojos y mátame en la lluvia Un hermoso asesinato queda, la rosa arti...

Es un poco pasada las 9 allá y se supone que volvió a su hogar y que posiblemente hoy se hablaría lo que se tuviera que hablar. Los minutos pasan y caen como martillazos sobre mi cabeza pensando, que estará haciendo, si leyó mis emails con quien estará hablando. Una serie de preguntas tontas que no tienen importancia significativa dado a la situación. ¡¿Por qué será que siempre me mortifico con razones imposibles? La verdad, no sé. A veces pienso que es que me gusta sufrir realmente pero bueno “así es la vida en el trópico”. He leído lo que he escrito todos estos días a su correo y bueno me ha hecho pensar que me pasé, no soy yo, el típico ser frio y calculador que la gente ve en mi. Supongo que en el fondo todos tenemos algo de “mortales comunes” que hace relucir nuestra debilidad en momentos de desesperación… ah solo me queda reponerme y ser firme… Tengo que aceptar que no trato de ser altruista ni nada por el estilo solo quiero que la gente a mi alrededor sea feliz no? Si, inc...

Falta un día, tal vez dos para saber qué hacer con mis sentimientos… Me ha hecho pensar en que será de mi en un futuro todo este tiempo y siempre llego a la misma conclusión una y otra vez… he decidido seguir con mi plan de forma independiente a la situación. Sí, como si fuera tan difícil pero, me repito, hay que vivir, so no me queda de otra que seguir…. He decidido tomar otro camino. Independientemente de lo que suceda en los próximos días. Estoy seguro que debido a esto lo más es que las cosas no mejoren solo se deterioren… pero que mas da no? Hay que vivir… si uno hace promesas hay que cumplirlas… la de vivir y la de seguir mis sueños se han vuelto estigmas que me carcomen por dentro como un cáncer interminable que no termina de matarme. Pienso que esta es otra mala decisión de mi parte pero que importa, mi vida está formada por una gran cadena de malas decisiones que me han hecho lo raro que soy… como decía un jefe que tuve “la inteligencia no es garantía de éxito en especial ...

Hoy me levante algo extraño pensando en muchas cosas en especial en especial en ese alguien que me tiene en “la cuerda floja de mis sentimientos”. Por medio, de una serie de sueños cortos debido a mi inconsistencia y pereza de levantarme temprano, una serie de sueños con diferentes situaciones donde siempre los personajes eran los mismos me vino una extraña idea en mi estado somnoliento. Un nombre, un propósito, una idea para mi tesis de doctorado. Jamás pensé que se me ocurriera algo de la nada teniendo la mente tan confusa. Es difícil pensar y razonar para mi estas días por eso había dejado prendido el “el piloto automático” mientras mi cerebro se reponía de la incertidumbre. Creo que todo está prácticamente listo aun no he sometido el tema a votación solo lo comente con mis familiares quienes lo vieron algo complejo de desarrollar pero creo tener suficiente cabeza para hacerlo en 2 años…… o no? Who knows…. Pero le voy a dar, aun no es definitivo pero es el único tema rimbombante y...

Es difícil pensar en que las personas sean fieles a sus ideas en estos días. Todo alrededor de uno conspira para que flaqueemos. Es como en esas películas donde sale una representación miniatura del diablo haciéndote caer en duda con respecto a una situación. Esto debe ser consecuencia de que uno no sabe lo que realmente quiere o el eterno sentimiento de inconformidad o desconocimiento de uno mismo que tienen los seres humanos. Debido a todo esto había pensado no volver a creer en las personas y poniéndole mente a la idea me di cuenta que por más que me cierre a la situación siempre habrá alguien que se quiera acercar a dar su mano por motivos varios como empatía o simpatía y hasta incluso por mera hipocresía. Creo que lo mejor es simplemente aceptar la idea… la mano cuando la brindan y no esperar que nada se cumpla… así todo es de decepción para arriba y siempre habrá ganancia sin importar lo que pase. Suena feo todo esto, pero tengo que tener en consideración de que la gente de esta...

4 de la mañana y he vuelto a levantarme, no puedo creer que este aqui y me sienta tan tranquilo despues de los minutos de desesperación que acabo de pasar en mi cama. Si hay algo que es realmente dolorozo es la esperar... pero bueno seguire esperando hay que confiar sobre todo... incluso sobre la voluntad propia...

Hoy amanecí pensando en cómo es la vida de un criminal condenado a muerte y uno condenado a cadena perpetua. Obviando el perfil sicológico de estas personas me puse a pensar que después de todo esas condenas no son tan malas, en especial la de muerte. Si me pusiera en el lugar de un convicto condenado a muerte cómo me sentiría? Supongo que relajado, porque conozco mí destino. Saber el tiempo de vida restante una vez perdido la libertad y los sueños es un consuelo. Solo esperar que el tiempo pase y saber que una mañana ya no vas a existir y no vas a sentir más este dolor, o decepción es un buen motivo para estar tranquilo. Me he despertado con la misma incertidumbre de siempre, cuál será la respuesta que tendré, como será el futuro que tendré después de esa respuesta? No lo sé, no poder controlar mis emociones es algo doloroso al punto de quiebre, lo peor es que no puedo acabar con este tormento que se llama incertidumbre y vida porque lo he prometido. Jamás pensé caer tan bajo como pe...

Estos días han sido fisiológicamente bastante normales, como bastante, hago ejercicios y me porto bien. Pero, no puedo negar que la depresión estos días ha sido mi fiel compañera solo opacada por mi testarudez de realizar un sueño a pesar de que la inspiración decidió marcharse con la misma calidez con que llego a mi vida. Hoy note algo raro en mi cuerpo y es que la ropa me quedaba diferente, la fractura que tengo en la nariz se hacia un poco más visible. Por lo cual me fui a ver en el espejo y a pesar de que sentía que todo estaba relativamente normal me sentía algo extraño por lo cual fui a pesarme con la sorpresa de que al ver la pesa había perdido 20 libras en tan solo una semana. Siempre pensé que las personas que perdían peso por depresión era por que dejaban de comer y se “echaban a morir” pero veo que aun tratando de llevar una vida normal la pérdida de peso no la he podido evitar y solo me toca dale más empeño a la vida si es que se puede para ver si salgo de esta situación...

Cuando las cosas se complican hay que tomarlas con calma… why? Simple porque se pondrán peores. La vida siempre es una “serie de eventos desafortunados” que en ocasiones termina bien, si solo en ocasiones muy especiales… ¿tendrá esto relación con el dicho, uno propone y dios dispone? Pues si es así entonces sí debería existir un dios que es un grandísimo hijo de su divinidad… para no decir algo mas “bonito”…. Everytime i plan my life something bad happen in the process… En algunas oportunidades incluso gente como yo que ha cerrado sus esperanzas al mundo llega a ser influenciado por una luz que le regresa la esperanza. No estoy hablando de nada “divino” o de algún “supernatural bullshit” como la gente que “ve a dios y cambia sus vidas”, hablo de algo más real, alguien que cálidamente extiende su mano y lo saca a uno del quinto infierno y le muestra que no todo puede ser tan malo… lastimosamente hay personas como yo que se dejan llevar por esa luz y apuestan todo al hecho de redimi...