Cold weather, cold heart, old body

7:31 p.m., with an, every day more common feeling of disappointment i lay in this stranger room alone and without hope in the tomorrow. Thinking in the fact that the age finally is affecting me i just try to distract the pain of the gastritis caused by the stress with light piano melodies. This idea of that the ages are posing over my shoulder only makes me thinks 2 things, the fact that something in me is preparing himself to die and that I woudn't be able to hide the consequences of my weak body.

Weakness, the only thing i can relate with hate in my life is what start to overwhelm me now. Since I was born my body have been sick, with a dirty blood, i've been always prone to illness and to the stigma of always be weaker as any regular human in similar conditions. For that fact since i have memory i've been training my body to surpass any test in live to the point that everyone thought that i've been some kind of lucky guy with and born talent that few people can reach in this world. But what nobody knows is that, the strong guy they think they know spent the double and even 3 times more than the regular people in order to be at their levels. Always analyzing, every single weakness in his own movements and tuning every single imperfection i was able to stand out even with people that was in my opinion shin no tensai (real talented genius) with a born natural talent that everyone can envy. I remember now the first time I was called like that, one kid came to me and beg me to loose a competition because he want his brother to win a trophy for him. Also the organizers, of the event gave me half of the prize in advance knowing that i was about to win. Of course i wont that even and i gave that guy the trophy i won because that means nothing to me in that moment. The only important to me was the feeling of surpass the normal people in that time even is the scarify was painful...

Now all those feelings are gone. I have nothing anymore and i have no reason to be alive. So, what was all that about? Sometimes i feel in silence like an old warrior that carry the internal scars of million wars but that at the end he didnt learn anything of them and that feels pretty sad.

With a smile i can remember all the injures i got just by training, without counting the ones i got by encounters in the 2 worlds i leaved. 3 times the left ancle broken. 2 times the left knee broken, 1 time the right knee twisted, more than 10 times the muscles of the lower legs striped (courtesy of my mother for removing my orthopedic shoes when i was kid), more than 10 times the muscles of the quadriceps stripped, 6 broken ribs, and broken arm, and stripped shoulder, a broken bicep. 2 broken fingers, all the muscles of the back fucked up several times, the neck muscles stripped, 2 times broken nose is the review of the injures JUST by training in silence in order to improve my own self. What i got now of all this? A lot of lead painted of gold and plastic in a box i forgot, an incapability to jump without getting worry that my leg will split in 2, an eternal pain in the left shoulder, and eternal pain in the nose specially when is cold (oh yeah now you live in a country that snow! Enjoyyyyyyy!!!), a chronic pain in the neck that i think eventually might let me in a wheel chair if i dont continue constantly exercising it, and a sexy pain in the back that get a long with my new pain “in da house” gastritis wont for fall in love with a too wonderful woman i've been unable to protect.

I see my face in this dark room and i can't avoid the idea of how good would be just to close my eyes fall asleep and eventually die, then disintegrate with the wind like those vampires that dies in movies when the sun touch them. Maybe i'm too negative against life now and that is why my body reacts like that. Before i had company i could trust with closed eyes, people that for sure will always be there in the darkest of the nights and also in the shiny days. Maybe that people use to be my inspiration and also my support and the fact that the lonely feeling wasnt never i use to be able to think that i was able to reach the sky and more just if I propose it.

Then it might be that i don't have the support i use to have. Yes that's true BUT is not an excuse. Times are different, relationship and life change every day we wake up so it cannot be compared nothing in the past with the present or for the future because i would just get upset and would be like comparing water with canelonis. But think like that is only accept my own weakness and dependency of other and that is not right. Is like to blame others for the fact that i'm weak and i must not involve others in my own affairs. That is low and a charge for someone that he doesn't deserve.

Then what? I think that the correct world is inspiration and the lack of it. And that is a big problem considering that i always been lack of motivation and for that reason have been always easy to do stuffs with others.... indeed like the most important person of my life said, “do i only have feelings for other person?” looks like that is the correct question. Do I? Maybe is like that i can only be strong for the others and not for myself now and that is because i lost my dreams.

With a sudden pain in my heart I can remember the first time i saw someone die. I only had 9 years and Even with that, i was able to understand that this person didn't die due the injures, but for the fact that he lost his “reason d'etre” abandoning every hope this person left his life drain between his fingers until his body was covered by the warm mantle of death. Now, almost 20 years later i was able to understand the peacefulness in his eyes. Although, i think something inside of me understood in that moment and that is why i was unable to feel sad in that moment.

Then what is the action plan now? Simple find a solid “reason d'etre” for me no? Is not that easy like it sounds living in a borrowed word i guess. I should born again and start from scratch. I think that is what i was about to do when i came to this new land, unfortunately i implied another person in equation and when that happens the formula became unstable transforming the formula from a recipe for a new life in an experiment for surviving. I feel sorry for the other person implies on it cuz doesn't deserve more troubles that have.

Now everything depends of factors i can't control. So is better to deal with the single moments until I receive a response of them. If I force to take action over it i would end up hurting valuable people and that is not fair.

Indeed i have to concentrate in myself now and suppress my bad emotions in order to survive, like a monk in a frozen cascade in winter...

8:55 p.m is time to close this eyes and leave this world at least by imagination...

bis bald

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