Stupid toughs of inlove people

I was always wondering why the people once falls in love become so irrational. Well, never say never should be the proverb that i might be paying right now.
Today i had a conversation with that person who means the air to me... and now, almost 12 hours later, i can see how stupid my mind can be in some situations. For example, when we start to talk i was thinking in why she cant see me. She just say, she is not ready yet. However, my stupid mind have like a little devil beside saying “on nice she can't face you but she can go out with other people and have a normal live with them” but then I think, she needs more opinions and voices around her in order to let her see the obvious. But my “devil side” can't still understand why have to be away of the relationship.
Maybe i think well every time I had a problem in my life I always solved by myself and thats why I can understand why if she have something that delicate she decide to go and talk with some other people or simply distract with other people she knows. It can be feel that she simply avoid that situation for a while and try to get some air before drawn. The truth is that I dont know but i think that I might be a bit jealous of that situation. For women is so easy to receive attention, nevertheless with men world is so different. I start to think sometimes “do I have some kind of illness like leper or what?” is pretty sad to be the only “hard to see” in my girlfriends eyes. But it also makes me feel sick to read “you are the most wonderful person I ever met” then WHY IS SO DIFFICULT TO SIMPLY TRUST IN ME?
I don't know but indeed that is one of my hundred frustrations.
I can't understand why she looks for happiness and peace of mind in other people if she says that I'm so special to her...
Fortunately I can deal with it now... I have nothing now and I'm reaching the bottom of this dark lake, death awaits me maybe or just the eternal darkness and solitude... yes that is not life but at least that doesn't break a promise I made..... that is one of my pseudo motivations now.... the other one is that i still have, against every logic, hope in the one I love. Reason that might, unconsciously, made me keep myself floating yet in this lake of suffering.
Well is a matter of love indeed. What can i see is that is not that difficult to live any more. If I just focus in the day in front of me things become easier. I know today is the day 89 now and thing are stand still. It doesn't matter if it runs until the last day as long as I see the person I love smile for one last time, all this scarify would be worthy...
in the meant time I would like to have a friend... yes, the lone wolf request for company. Just don't mind as long as just stay there and let me forget about thinking... I guess that is the fact that I'm out of animes haha, vodafone sucks!
Well now is the moment to go to a place set in the cedars and oak trees...
nacht....

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