Are we what you have done and I'll tell you what you will do...

In my boring night i decided to re read the mail of the last woman I concider as my one and only. Thinking a bit about a café conversation I had today with a girl i was paying attention on how does women work on and as much as I try to keep the originality of all the individuals I met, looks that my past is so scary that can keep on dragging me down until the end of the days.
Was precisely in this time of the year when another woman who I loved expressed in similar terms about me and her relationship with me.
I remember when L said “ I like you so much but I learn something from your past that won't let me go back to you no matter how much y try” I felt devastated when i heard that thinking that no matter how much I tried to live the present I will always be judged by my actions.
No matter try to make my mind understand that the reason i can freely talk to selected people means that I was able to overpass that and move forward, people always end up looking the past me in a stronger presence than the present me.
Reading the last mails over and over again I can't believe that one of the most shocking situations is related with a matter of my past, and as the last mail express she will always see that part of me that will end up becoming an eternal weakness.
There is a dilemma now by dealing with this. I want to know again, some one who understand my past and understand the person they see in front. The past is to learn of it, not to be judge by it. I don't want to wear a mask in front of the people I love. Also, I'm not proud of the thing I did. However, I can't be ashamed any more because is something that can't be changed. I'm aware of it and I have to deal with it. That and many other stuffs made me the person I am now and that is how I have to live on.
Ironically, I never expected that from this person. But well, she have a really precious person to protect and if she think that is a treat, well I have to live with it.
At the end looks that the world change around me again, and I move in a different pace. No matter how many times I try to grow, at the end what will count is what I was once.
I don't want to wear mask any more in my life, but why I have the urge to ruin everything by open to the people I feel confidence with? To be alone looks that is the only solution? Then why love have to accompany me forever?
We shouldn't be what we did, but what we have learn of us...
once again, I re read my notes and I can't believe that disappointment or sadness aren't accompany me tonight.
Your words have done something more interesting in me than I ever believed... danke
No matter how pure and special are some people, at the end I think all have some degree of prejudice. Even I was like that once, so I'm not able to defend for something that was true. I assume my responsibility now, but what for?
So maybe that's the secret I was always looking for. Why the wing of the angels disappears... because they get the capacity of judgement.

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