bye bye lost me

a week ago i felt in the bottom of my exasperation. I felt in a whole so deep that i was unable to literally breath any more. Living in a world of disguised truths and bended realities i found out how weak and dirty I become. Hurting everyone beside me i was unable to tolerate to rise my head any more. So I didnt have any more options to look for help, to go back to my roots and see what I have lost. There i saw how repugnant I've become and how harmful I've been for the people i love or took care of me during all this time.

Ironically i was looking for the maximum punishment and what i found was absolute redemption in my life. Once at all I was able to forgive myself. I was able to make peace once at all with me, with my family, with the people who think that are friends of mine, and even with god. All that people that I abandoned by the wrong unstable actions took my apologized in a way that i never thought that i might deserve. It felt so unexpected that i even felt insulted at the beginning, everything turned so good in my life that i have to give eternal thanks to everything and everyone around me and act in the most of the honest ways.

The pain of the past affects me yet, but not a long old term past that was torture me, indeed is just the pain of the 1 and a half years that I've been over modifying my reality to the point that i broke myself. Is just the consequences of all my bad acts that of course have to be paid. But i have to live on with that and move on carefully and slowly from now on. Now i understand my life a bit more, my tears and my smiles. I feel that everything have a meaning now and everything is real. Now I can do as she says, smile, cry, live and love because my inner self really want it. Yet my mood changes pretty fast and I have to accept that to. For this last reason i learned that i have to taste every second we have in order to remember to recognize our own existence.

At the end what i feel that had to be like that, to gain something as big as that the price had to be as high too. Was a painful and sad price but yet it will makes me move on from now on. Even I wasn't able to escape of the touka touka. If that so, I must not waste this for the sake of those who i love.

I love you all as you all loved me even not knowing it. At the end, i have to confess also sorry for abandon god, abandon my convictions, my family, people I know and this wonderful world.

There is no way to day any more to me, because we can only die when the world forget us...

thanks to the world, thanks to the people, thanks to my past loves, thanks to my consciousness, thanks to my experiences, and thanks to god for making of me the person i finally become.

The road is long i know and there are many stuffs to do yet, but as long as i stop and take the time to hear and listen what is around me everything will be fine.

To that person that made me realize my path, thanks and sorry for taking so long... now I understand your words when you meant to take your time to find your answers. I can't imagine how hard had to be your paths but i can understand now that peregrinate is a necessary activity for some souls.


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