The expressions off affection

2 days ago, I had a really peculiar conversation with the temporal guest I have in house this days. Basically, I was trying to understand her “promiscuous” behaviour in Europe. As a latin american, she just comment that is just the result of the peculiar way of European people to react against attraction. Also, the fact that she is a woman was also funny to hear her comments about males and they behaviour. With all the conversation I had to talk about something that was actually resonating in my head this days. How does people communicate their love or express their feelings is a mystery I never understood. Love, affection, sadness, angry, jealously and many others didn't come with a manual of how to react in several situation.

It use to bring to my mind many people and how they use to react... for example, there are too many people I have been connected in the past and some had really indirect but acurate way to express their feelings. The first person in my mind was Patricia. A woman of short but piercing words who was unable to transform all her feelings in words. I remember that every time her feelings were looking for a way to come out, she was able to canalize it due the music. I can still see that picture of her walking silently to her piano and express all her inner feelings with it... sadness, happiness, frustration, everything was coming out trough her fingers to her piano and directly to my heart like a mystical connection that surpass time and space.

Another example, there is this person C.R. I think is the person who most admired me and hate me in my entire life. Been the last person I ever fight with, was pretty painful to see him always trying to beat me even knowing that he couldn't win. Her spirit was like the one of a manga character who end up dying for his pride. I remember that after “win” the fight unharmed I just saw my hand full of blood and him unconscious in the floor and think “I lost against his will”. I was able to see in every time he was standing up, that his frustration and his dream were realizing in that impossible fight. Like a samurai warrior looking to accomplish the will of his warlord.

But there is also the unconscious level of communication that I had with adrian when for some reason he was able to understand absolutely everything inside of my confused head even before i realize it.

In the negative side I can easily recall the people who harm others with the excuse of “showing them the hard life because they love the others” .

At the end, there is always ways to express what we feel even in the shyest person of the world. But what happens when the message and the medium aren't right? Misunderstandings becomes the worst enemy of the communicator to the point that even can miss the receptor of the message. This remember the words of that one and only who is so far away “i feel frustrated because my words can't make the effect I was expecting”. What happens when we want to be nice with someone and the message is not received, or worst create the opposite effect. Everyone ends up miserably suffering as long as the idea isn't clarified accompanied with a excuse for using a wrong method initially.

Indeed there are 4 factors that influence in this... Quoting my telecommunications classes “the effective communication implies 4 factors, the emissary, the message, the medium and the receptor. Bringing all this to the “human relationships plane” can be applied:

  1. the emissary: is the person who transmit the initial message and is the person who have some intentions clear in mind who wants to express. This person is affected with so many factors like experiences, character, ability to express, expectations, and many others. But have to be careful how wants to transmit it or no matter how verbose or elaborate is, if the message isn't clear for the receptor, an effective communication won't be established.

  2. The message: the core of the communication. Without an clear message no matter if the other factors are clear, a clear communication won't be established. Is sad because in the human mind there are so many confusing signals that can distort the message. Angry, Frustration, pride, shyness, or external drugs, can affect this message and never been reach no matter how pure the idea was.

  3. The medium (channel): the road that the message travels in order to reach the receptor. Is something that have to be manipulate with both sides in order to feel comfortable with it. A wrong medium is also able to degrade the message feeling and become just simple cold words.

  4. The receptor: person who expect the message. When we talk about living things interaction. The receptor sometimes is the most fucked up part of the communication process. No matter how difficult is, the fact that the receptor start to expect for a message, makes him create expectations about the message.

What happens if the expectations of the receptor are higher than the abilities of the communicator to express the message? Disappointment and frustration comes and that is why often we see this communication problems for situation that can be solved with the simplest of the ways. If that so, why people always takes elaborate ways to express what they want? Indeed due the fact that as soon as the express what they feel they become vulnerable. The statement that says “the shortest distance between to places is a straight line” never applies to humans. However, sometimes as was explained in the receptor expectations the simplest way doesn't work.

I remember the first time i hear the words “I love you”. They came for a nice girl long time ago, the moment was so “not right” and with the best stile of “mayama” i was only able to say, “thanks but sorry”, turning down something that would be but never happened. I never expected those words of many people in my life because knowing of how humans are, is kind of complicate for them to say what they really feels, even if is something so strong like love. Maybe in that time i feel that i was a wiser person, someone with clear goals who was able to be objective about everything or maybe someone so dumb that didn't understood what feelings are at all.

Now, I can't understand why It hurts not be able to hear those words. Maybe when we are in a uncertain path of our life those words are so strong that can save us from the greatest of the abyss and take us to the heaven.

Talking about myself, I found out that “the one and only in my life” have strong affections for me, and her actions this last days becomes really warm and gave me some hope. But I think that my broken heart is looking for a bandage to stop the feeling and her love expressions haven't been enough to stop completely the harmful agony. I'm really frustrated for been how I am right now. Maybe because I can't take the hand of that lovely person and accompany in her journey or maybe because i can't feel overwhelm by the drops of love this person is kindly giving to me. I can't stop thinking, why if someone want to spend the rest of her life with someone, cannot express their feelings in the simplest way if is already known that the other person wants the same? I think there is not excuse like, character, behavior or past experiences that can actually justify that. In the other hand might be external factors and internal expectations that can be the true cause of that.

Is not fair to anyone that I should think for them. But I still believe that the most effective road between 2 points is still the straight line and maybe is for this reason that my patience is tested to the extreme to not harm that wonderful person who have its own way to handle the same situations.

I didn't said this to the person I love frontally but I should apologize for my words because i have to understand that she is doing her best to deal with her feelings and I still have a bit more to grow up in order to never commit the mistakes of the past.

At the end I have to blame myself for been so weak expecting to hear words of affections that might take a long long time to appears.

If there is a wish i could get this night, would be to sent to the middle age or the Edo era where i can live and die by my word. As someone said in a move once, maybe is just that the time of the samurai's past...

es una mala epoca para el romantisismo M.K...

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