Yume no Ato

Sometimes we have to leave what we know in order to value what we have someone says. Indeed just try to follow what our hearts indicates brings most of the time good things even when in the moment we are unable to understand them. This days, I decided to travel around Europe, with first destiny Italy. After a week in the country of the pasta and the pizza, I saw how easy my perspective of the world can be changed. Yesterday, remembering the discussion with my late German teacher I can corroborate that home is not a place that is static to me as normal people consider for them. Heimat, home, hogar, terms that are subjective as the people who ask for them. But with not strong answers to a person like me. I felt that I found my place in Berlin, a city that have everything and easier to manipulate as people thing once you become legal. However, I saw in a small island in the middle of the Mediterranean sea that my “auto inculcated idea” was as unstable as drunk person playing over ice. ...

taking a break of this new life I just enjoy here a hot chocolate in this interesting cafe that only have soups or drinks. Enjoying my chocolate and tempted with a choko amareto I can't stop thinking how easy the connections can be made with other entities in this world. What is this thing called affection that is so easily to develop for some people and so difficult for others? I never had that problem but I can't stop wondering for some people I know that is so difficult to interact with others. Indeed, maybe some people have that touch that let others to see an easy person to get close that others don't. I wish to know how does life is in the other side just to understand the mood of those who doesn't get the chance to get closer to others that easily and try to do something for them. I think that most of the people who create problems are just only people that is misunderstood and get to the point to explode. Well lets see, now I have to meet some people like that....

With the melodic voice of Julie London singing as time goes by in my bus going home, I can't stop feel nostalgia for that little person who accompanied me in this interesting month since I return to Germany. Recapitulating is like living a second chapter of a mess up book called the M.K. Chronicles. This time with an better perception of the life that makes me finally enjoy every single minute of what have been happening this month. With a smile in the face I can believe how simple does the world is once we decide to finally move on. And I think that I found out what can makes me feel so easy even in the most compromised of the situations. So, basically been a “human” and deal with my pain like a cross to the Golgotha of my life is not what I should follow to live on. Now I can see that the secret is not try to be a good person, because that is something that is from the heart of the people , nor try to be strong or hard to tolerate the “injustices” of the world...

I am supposed to pursue my dream in this narrow winding road, stuttering in the crowds of people It's not that I want to return to that past, I am just searching for the sky I have lost. I hope you understand. Don't show the sad face as if you have been sacrificed. Tears do not end a sin. We have to carry it with us through in this maze of feelings with no ends in sight. Who am I waiting for? As scribbled on the blank note, I want to be more honest. What do I want to escape from? Is it this thing called "reality"? "For what am I living?" In the middle of the night as my memories are fading. I can't play safe anymore, but there is nowhere to go too. There's still so much in life to remove this feeling. I will feel nostalgic about it. I welcome this pain. I have to apologize for this. Ah, I'm sorry. I can't say it well. I'm just causing worries. Everything that I embraced that day. Everything that I will embrace tomorrow I will not arrange ...

It has stopped nothing moves Not even I myself feel like I do. Empty space a world where nothing exists. There I am, trown out into such a space. It has stopped nothing moves I am at a “standstill”... Alive. I am alive. I breathe, and my body moves. I can laugh, cry and grieve. But... I haven't moved forward anywhere. I am at a “standstill”... To a heart such as mine, a small breeze blew in. I tought it was something petty. It wasn't supposed to be felt for too long. But that wind covered me completely. It wrapped arround me so warmly.... I heard from someone, the universe continually expands, that is alive. But to me, I can only see the universe is stopped. The event of stopping, in a way, I think is very close to eternity. I mean, you see, that way, It feels more like the universe. The universe is stopped. Just like how my feelings are at a “standstill”....

Girl 1: you are the most spontaneous and crazy person I ever met in my life. Thanks I never thought that have a live without plans and going forward would be this exiting. Girl 2: I hate when you plan everything. Your life has to be so boring. 2 women, 2 point of view; the first knows the person I become, the second knows the person I was. How is possible to have opposite opinions with similar auras? I changed, my essence changed I never thought that something like that might happen. And I have to apologize in front of all the people I mistreat due my old dogmas. I have no fixed opinions anymore just strict decisions and conviction behind them. The price was too high for me… now just have to move on and smile for those I harmed.

a week ago i felt in the bottom of my exasperation. I felt in a whole so deep that i was unable to literally breath any more. Living in a world of disguised truths and bended realities i found out how weak and dirty I become. Hurting everyone beside me i was unable to tolerate to rise my head any more. So I didnt have any more options to look for help, to go back to my roots and see what I have lost. There i saw how repugnant I've become and how harmful I've been for the people i love or took care of me during all this time. Ironically i was looking for the maximum punishment and what i found was absolute redemption in my life. Once at all I was able to forgive myself. I was able to make peace once at all with me, with my family, with the people who think that are friends of mine, and even with god. All that people that I abandoned by the wrong unstable actions took my apologized in a way that i never thought that i might deserve. It felt so unexpected that i ...

[02:12:40] Tu amiGa ImaGinaRia: vas a tratar de "reconquistarla" ? [02:12:55] que te importa como me llamo: que cosa? [02:13:04] Tu amiGa ImaGinaRia: a tu ex esposa [02:15:08] que te importa como me llamo: nop, recuerdas lo que te dije ayer de que debo hacer mi vida y hacer que esta ande en armonia con la vida de la gente normal? pos ella es del grupo de la gente no normal pero que v ive en el mundo normal, por lo cual son 2 mundos que no machean, uno incompleto (el mio) y uno semi establecido en el que ella diambula con mas gente. so es mejo no cometer los mismos errores. si ella quiere darse una vuelta por nowhereland pos no le negare la visa pero no creo uqe le de la residencia [02:19:40] … sip por mas que quiera, cada vez qeu hablo con ella me doy cuenta mas y mas qeu si vuelvo a estar con alguien asi pos dejo de ser como yo y puff se jode la mamasita [02:20:39] Tu amiGa ImaGinaRia: cm en hancock? [02:21:22] que te importa como me llamo: haha sabes que eres la primera per...

If a grain of wheat don't fall in the earth and die, it become infertile, however, if it dies give a lot of fruits. As Jesus said in one of his parabolas, when we give ourselves in an uninterested all the results become amazingly good. Therefore, we have to give something in exchange for it. Just as the fact that a mother can't give birth to a child without pain, sportsmen win without giving up some pleasures due the training, or student give their resting time to get a good grade. Discipline always implies move, giving our old self in order to get a new one. We can have true love if we don't resign to ourselves for the sake of those we love. Of course is too utopic to be handle for the real world. However, I still think that there have to be a way on it in order to be able to do that. I will always believe that as long as we focus, our love can make us stronger.

last night I got back to Panama and here i just found out that things barely change with time. However, is ok for me due is good to see what i've lost and which mistakes i commit to made me be a part that was a bit blurry to see. With a new perspective, I'm leaving now all those grunge and heavy weight I had for this months to see from a wider point of view what to do with my life. Back in my room. I can see how organized actually my life have become after all. Pretty structured and solid since a couple of weeks, makes me feel more optimistic. So is time to end up writing stuff about a feeling that I was unable to understand and move on. What is done is done, and I just can learn of it, I need new blood to go back to Germany the next week with a more wide and wise point of view. I want to apologize the people I dragged to me with my pain in this blog and let them free of toughs to center in what is important, evolve. Of course the change is not instant reaso...

There are moments in life where I feel that I’m breaking. This is one of those moments when I can’t see the light in the horizon and makes me feels so impotent. “At the door of the stove the bread burns” says the statement that is so true and was the first thing I thought yesterday when I saw that everything went so smoothly for the first day. Of course my pessimistic nature had to make a bad joke about such a delicate situation and now I feel like once again stabbed in the back by the daily life. Therefore, I won’t let things goes that easy. As I said once, only the accidents, coincidences and what we can do exist, I have to prove myself that “if I die” I’ll do it that with wearing my boots. By the run of the minutes, that I’m realizing that love is something that will never save me. I become more objective to the fact that my coming to this country hasn’t been more than a huge mistake sustained by a promised made with an impulsive feeling. I want to scream for help but to whom? Where...

Yesterday I was thinking in the words “I feel that I can’t love you anymore how I use to”, said for nali when we were having a conversation that started really hard due my incompetence. When I close the phone I felt strangely relief, due the fact, that if I have to comment about it I should say exactly the same. I can see many things about this person now that are really confusing. I feel that I always start to talk with one person and end up talking with another. In the same way, I started to talk with someone long time ago and I felt in love with another person. What I see in nali is that something in here grew; the fact is that more than grew it becomes old, wise. No changes in human behavior are bad as long as is for the wellness of the person involved. Then I feel that something worst happen here. The principle of touka kouka indicates that to gain something of certain value, something with equal value have to be sacrificed. What have you sacrificed nali? I think that you don’...

yesterday I was able to read the statement regarding what caused Hendrik's death. And as I though and plastered in my first post. I felt pretty accurate in my observation. People who acts like him usually end up involving with dangerous people who can create this sort of situations. Unfortunately for him, this time wasn't either an exception and he end up paying the consequences. But what is done is done and nothing can be change in his side. In the other hand, there are this individuals who provoked his death with the intention of “lecture him some behavior”. How people who doesn't control herself can say stuffs like that? Everything is remotes to the ancient times of life were the “stronger” rule over the weak. But looking up at the human history is also stronger doesn't mean equal of statements in this situations. As “good coward humans” 3 guys were involved in the situation against hendrik. And with the most primitive “way of the human” the end up ...

today I received 2 mails regarding the same subject of my actual time, for some reason everyone just continue saying that i should drop out my dreams and get real. Indeed, is a situation that have to be evaluated considering that nothing good have been coming to my life since i came here. Then, why i don't feel like instigated of my present condition? Mayabe I finally become completely crazy submerged in my bizarre dream world. I should make a proper analysis of my situation to continue moving forward in some direction no matter the results of the next day. Inevitably, I can't stop myself of doing plants even considering that they are not useful when the situation depends so much of many external factors I can control. All this, only shows me that no matter how much I want to be autonomous, my life doesn't depends of me alone. Moreover, the fact that I still want to move on in my plans makes me feels like a criminal who is hurting people who says that take care of me. But i...

11:30 in the night and finally I can enjoy some minutes of silence after a complete day hearing noises around me of people, that for some reason, never shut the fuck up. That makes me think a bit about this people who talk and talk and i see that all of them have something in common. They just talk, they don't pay attention at all to anything anyone else says. Even when they silence themselves for some seconds, everything other people says is meaningless to them. So the irony of this that they can express so good and fluent in spite they can't communicate. I've been feeling so annoy of voices lately that makes me think that is not good for me to continue thinking like that. I never enjoy more silence than anymore before. But the dangerous thing of all this comes in the situation that when i have to communicate everything becomes really difficult to me. Not because of the language, but because the worlds doesn't exist anymore. I don't want to fall...

some days ago nali told me that she talked to a ghost and that makes me concern a bit of her situation because i never wanted to bother with the fact that for some reason we are surrounded of them, at least is what I've been looking for since I got here. But what makes me write today about it is the fact that also “L” told me in a mail that she was seen ghost without any relation of what nali told me before. And thinking a bit about it, in this month is the 4th person who told me that so maybe something is changing in this world and the strings are getting closer. So backing up to my story, since the first day I came here I've been feeling chasing by them. Remember the first time I was sleeping in this bed with my always beloved by my side I felt a strong presence who talked to me in the night. I told you might be a dream or what, of course I always have problems distinguishing between real or dreams, and he answered want me to prove it and he took me by the shoulder and shake ...

The day i'm writing this, the love of my life gave me the news of the decease of a friend of her brother. A person I didn't meet for so long but surely was easy to see that behind all his lively expression, a great loneliness was behind him. Not knowing the object of the death, would be an insult to make speculations or comments about it. But the fact is, that one more who left the world alone is just another story that will be placed apart in the great book of life. For some seconds I was able to imagine the face of that person I care so much and the image was a bit disrupting. This kind of situations makes everyone to feel like for some seconds they went out of the reality and that maybe they will wake up and like nothing happens. When someone we lost contact for a while dies the first feeling is never sadness, but a great confusion and I can't deny that is something that I wish natalie wouldn't be feeling right now. In the other hand, the news ...

Today I woke up thinking in what a couple is. After a dream where I saw the woman I love with the person who have feelings for her now, I felt that my life was over. Maybe, is a way the universe does to remember me my lost? Or maybe is a way my brain likes to torture me. Then, for a second, I asked to myself “why she wanted to be with me in first place?” I think that the answer is pretty easy to understand now. She saw in me something she was always wondering if exist, a person who didn’t react as the other person she have met in her life, and a person who have many attributes she was looking for in a man. The picture of been the perfect man for someone was pretty heavy and cocky for me, and I was feeling proud of it. But with all this, I just figure out that as I was proud to be with her, I was also afraid to loose her. And as I told to my team mates all my life “in the moment when you feel real fear you loose”, and was exactly what happened. I also remember the first night we slept ...

In my boring night i decided to re read the mail of the last woman I concider as my one and only. Thinking a bit about a café conversation I had today with a girl i was paying attention on how does women work on and as much as I try to keep the originality of all the individuals I met, looks that my past is so scary that can keep on dragging me down until the end of the days. Was precisely in this time of the year when another woman who I loved expressed in similar terms about me and her relationship with me. I remember when L said “ I like you so much but I learn something from your past that won't let me go back to you no matter how much y try” I felt devastated when i heard that thinking that no matter how much I tried to live the present I will always be judged by my actions. No matter try to make my mind understand that the reason i can freely talk to selected people means that I was able to overpass that and move forward, people always end up looking the past me in a stronge...

This days my mood have been unbelievable high, and for some reason I can only think in the phenomena when the start will collapse is when they bright more. But even this time I was able to put aside that and almost enjoy every minute I'm leaving. After a pretty busy day i just start to think that everything was relatively nice. I went to school, and even considering that is one of those days were “Ich kann nicht auf deutsch denken” i was able to survive to the group and enjoy the moment. Maybe because now I have some feeling of security about my future, is because I can mortify about little stuffs about solitude or lack of motivation for humanity. After having a relatively, interesting night in the stammtisch now I'm sitting here in the train with the uneasy feeling that no one will wait at home for me. It never worried me before, and I was use to it but I still don't get use to the idea once I found out some kind of happiness in my life together with someone else. All t...

in the middle of this serene night, I wake up after falling asleep watching a movie and start to think if there is an absolute meaning for love. What is that thing that motivates people to say “I love you” in certain situations. Moreover, what is that thing that make them retract their words with time. I can't just think that even love is something not eternal for those who are too exposed to this world. At least is what i would like to think instead of believing that wasn't real love what I got the last time. I would like to ask her, what is love for her because now I'm really confused about it. I always though that love is something that make us go on even in the darkness of the nights, against every logic and against even faith or luck. Something so beautiful that can go on even against death and time an doesn't matter how difficult it is will always bring us a smile. If that is the case, i think that we should be able to surpass everything with it as she told me o...

Help is not give stuffs to satisfy a simple necessity. Help is not when someone have a problem says, I’m sorry or don’t worry everything will change with time. Help is not feeling petty for those who are hopeless. Help is not give up and look aside when a situation is not encounter. Help are not sweet words of motivation written in a book. Help is the presence when we need a human touch, the silence when the word becomes too noisy to thing, the love beyond the life. I need help tonight my live is falling apart and I can’t follow my dreams alone… Where is all that people who say that will be with me for ever? WHY PEOPLE LIE LIKE THAT AND GIVE UP JUST SAYING SORRY!?!? With tears in my eyes and a cynic smile in my face I can only say again that I have a destiny with nothing else left to loose… Not even the angels want to be with me, that is why I think I’m alive yet… not even god nor the devil wants me near… MANN! ICH WILL JETZT EIN FUCKING FREUND!?!?! pleas...

Last night I though I touched ht bottom of my rationality, I found out that my dream were over long time ago. I’m not strong anymore; I found out that my power comes from the fact that I always have a place to come back after fighting with my demons. Now I have no place to come back, no home, no sanctuary I’m done… The one who suppose to save me will become the one who give me the final blow? I feel like putting the knife in her hands. A knife made with all my mistakes and incongruent decisions. I hope you can forgive me one day. I feel like Hancock now, I was a god once and for approaching to the one I love I become human. What kind of life is that one if you become vulnerable and useless for the one you love? Why when we are in despair we try to justify our actions? Worst yet, why I can’t blame anyone. Even if this person asks me to complain about her, make her fall with the responsibility, I look into her eyes and love her. WHY I LOVE? Is my nature she says, is something good she...

Today is the first day of my last week of classes. After almost 5 months, i can see back and enjoy with nostalgia the happy and unpleasant moments i have in that place. For the 2 nd time in life i felt that i was able to enjoy the moments i spent with people with similar goals. Like a team full of leaders with different objectives but with similar enemy all become into this long crusade of learning such a difficult language with relative satisfaction. About me, i think that i didn't do my best, but is a matter that is so normal to me due is a bad habit i develop for trying to be considerate with the average humans. And as a bad habit, is something that will take the same amount of time to removed and to be honest i don't mind about that. Live my life to the fullest, waste my life, aren't matters that have meaning anymore. I think that i found the balance i was looking for. The fact, is that not everyone can live their life to the fullest because not ever...

today i realized that i can live on. That the days from tomorrow will be hell and that i might loose all in 5 weeks. But i'm not afraid anymore, i'm not sad nor upset. Disappointment is a trophies that i will put in my placard. I know and realized that i didn't make not even the 30% of my real possibility now. But for the first time, i have no regrets on it. I felt that i finally grew up in that aspect. There is noting wrong with me, not that threw the towel. I figure out that there is no past anymore, the past to me is like an old tv show with a predictable ending. I think that i know now what natalie wanted to say with her now happiness, that was just a way to say, hey just move on dude, what are you winning with staying in the past? Don't you see? You are just loosing stuffs with that attitude. Indeed,gibt es keine einfach oder “kurz” Modus. Is an everyday job, and i have to do it with love. A love that doesn't belongs to anyone but to me. I decided stop waiting...

Today, a wonderful day, an interesting conversation showed me how much I've have changed in the past days. This woman makes me realize that the reason that i was able to be kind in my words was not for suppressing my feelings but for get harmony between what i say an what i feel. But then that's ok when i deal with honest people i have no stable relation with. For the first time i felt the peace i had once with that woman i love so much and hurt so much lately. Yes, was a conversation so outstanding that i didn't feel the time at all. But well at the end i was so sad for feeling of talking with the wrong person. However, i can now understand why my beloved, end up looking to another place to have someone to talk with. Is like finding the love she can communicate with but with the compromise of dealing with the feeling itself. But is funny i don't like to be me in that situation because no matter how sure i know I don't like when someone can do something I should f...

Just coming back home i can't stop thinking how stupid i feel in this moments. Everything started when i went out of house. Is the first time i break the rule, if you really don't feel it don't go out. I always thought that something bad would happen to people who go out when they don't want to. The night start weird, getting home at 5 I was pretty sure that I wouldn't go until several people start to ask if I would go. But was until the very end that I said that perhaps I'll go. At 8 I was ready to get the train of 8:30 to be there at the estimated time, 9 but some minutes later i decided to take all my clothe off and work in my wii which unfortunately didn't work due the stupid wireless card. In matter of seconds I start to dress as fast as possible and went out of the house to take the next train to alexanderplatz. I was so late that in a normal situation I would leave it and stay. However, i just start to run and while my steps were getting faster, my t...

with the slow fall of the snow I walked in the street thinking how tender would be melt like those little snow flakes. With nothing to loose or to gain I think there isn't better moment now for that. Someone told me once that this season is when most people commit suicide and I still don't get why considering how beautiful everything looks. The snow covers absolutely everything. Not only the streets, the houses or the people, but also the sadness, hopes and superficial feelings of the people. With a cover of snow everything looks so peaceful, immaculate like a just made paint before the father time play with its colours. Despite the cold weather, it makes the loneliness feels warm this night. Surrounded by nostalgia i can forget about my present state and just look at the window the slow dancing of the snow before mix in the floor or over one of those sleeping trees. Is another day expecting the unexpected, however the mother loneliness showed me that side of her that took c...

Yesterday, again, i decided to go out to dinner with the people of the school. Basically because they were going to eat kumpirs and those weird stuffs rules. In one of those “kumpirs chat” the argentinan girl was, still a bit nostalgic due a song someone dedicated to her. Her comment? The song was pretty depressive, was kind of funny because I hear the song and actually was a regular love song from a guy who said that her lover that he always will be there when she need a help... this cliché is something I dont want to discuss now on so i'll pass it by. The fact is that due her attitude she only justified herself as a “hopelessly romantic”. If i get a coin for every time I hear that, bill gates would be a detail beside me. In my mind i said “does people understand what actually means the fact to add the word hopelessly to romantic?”. Indeed the problem is in the bad use of the word romantic. Without trying to fall in the dictionary definition a romantic is someo...