Bloody january

with a lethal blow in my already broken soul i recieve the new year. Finally, i lost my hope for everything and for leaving.... my girlfriend accept that she dont see me in her futurure anymore. Why was that?

She tought that she changed me and i'm not that angel she admired once... that hurst not because it a simple or a difficult situation but because what she is doing.. she end up the conversation saying that she decide to be alone now because she wants to pay for what she have done to me. That makes me think why she might be thinking; and the answer is “i dont know”. Are 6 a.m an I woke up just with a cold head and thinking in the situation logically and analyzing the fact i try to play with her words and see everything.

She said i broke you up, and i feel guilty about that... now i leaving from your side because hurts and i need to pay and find a way to deal with that... this situation is so hard for me to asimilate because i look for an analogy and i just find this. “ i get a cat, i adore it and make i grow wonderful for many years... then during the life the cat and i gt many hurts and i hurt it and break his legs accidentally, now the cat cannot run and stop to be nice.... and what i do? I leave him to his fortune because is not wonderful anymore.” is hard and synic and painful to think that someone that wonderful like her takes that attitude... is like she have learn it from the past and that she was treat like that and now she is doing what have been done to her before.. i see her like a kid that breaks something and just leave it there go to to play with another toy... what kind of attitude is that for a woman of 31 years... a sad and painful one. Why is so painful? Because i love her and i saw something in her that she is unable to see by his own self. A wonderful hope and light. She didnt realize that she is a great angel that is destined to help poor lost souls in this world like mine. And that she deserve happiness no matter what. Why i say this? Because i feel more lost with this, she thought that i was an intelligent person... everyone does.... what is intelligence if i cant use it to help her to realize her greatness.... i feel that i lost her now because i wasnt clever, and strong enough to protect her from her own poisonous tail. Now she is far away and i can't sacrify my body and place it between her body and her tail anymore...

sounds crazy to think that i want to leave like that but i feel that i can handle that poison.... like a guy who study snakes develop resistance to their poison i feel that i can do the same with her as long as she is keep in a safe situation... i tried it and i lost.... that was the problem i tried... not did now i start the 2009 with the biggest and painfullest regret I cant have... the impotence and lost of the woman i love.

Now i have the human fear of knowing that one day someone might come and give her what i was unable to... there are so many doors around me and all of them are just full of spikes...

the irony of the scorpions is that is one of the animals who suicide itself... if you put an scorpion in a circle of fire once he cant find an exit it inject its own poison in its head and die... I think i want to be a scorpion now unfortunately she is the one i guess... with a sad smile i found out that i she is not only everything i wanted but also everything i wanted to be and have everything i wanted, she might not find logic in this sentence but that is my sad truth...

my soul for disappear...

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