a reason to walk...
Today is the first day of the rest of my life… and old cliché resume the feelings of this cloudy morning waiting for a hope will never come but with the willing to continue no matter what. I woke up with a bad sensation of a weird dream but with the feeling of success, a success that I don’t know if exists, but that is worthy to continue working for it.
I woke up thinking… what I want for me ? what I want? What is my future? Since my “new partner” feelings, have appears in my life I never tried to make those questions or think about the future. I had enough thinking about the day to day and dealing with the past to start to think about what I want in the future. However, the Thursday showed me something really interesting that up to today “Saturday” I was able to assimilate.
A new person appears in my life, a nice beautiful Turkish girl who was agreeing to be a friend. Her story? She divorced after having a huge problem in turkey that end up with a broken jaw and 2 ribs striped. Suffering of depression, she was sent to Germany in order to let her recover. As expected she was able to recover in a great way and be able to live her life. How this girl came to my life? I met her in one of the school tours before Christmas and start to talk again once we came back. How became closer? Simple, as everything with friends in common. After that a simple talk with her took from one thing to another and she was able to simply tell me all her “secrets” just like that. I’m not surprise that she was able to be open about that because is not the first time something happens. The reason she was able to be open with me have to be as Nasira said once “mi cara de amiguito” reason that let people don’t feel afraid of me even if the heaviest of the grudges is over me that day. At the beginning she looked as a difficult person, although se was pretty nice and calm to talk to me asking me to be her friend… of course wasn’t difficult to me to tell her that is ok but to not fall with me because my love belongs to another person. And she funnily accepts that. In that ways, was easy to share what we think and at the end we end up making the funny comment “we are just 2 dumb guys that are still in love of our ex couples”.
To keep the story short on Tuesday this girl had a “solitude crisis” while we were talking by internet and in a moment of despair she just said “I need you here so bad, but I don’t want you to come….” That in a way made me feels sad because in my present state I’m a bit selfish in my way of thinking. Therefore, I went to her apartment where we end up talking crap and watching one of her 100 chapters of family guy in her broken laptop. Once she calmed down I was able to return to the school and continue downloading stuffs like nothings happened.
Days later, I’ve been in my self-discovery mental journey finding several stuffs I didn’t want to write due been lazy to write it in word and wait until I get internet to place it. Nevertheless, I’ve been assimilating it slowly like a sponge in order to become better for myself and transforming the world around me.
This morning, those words of merv triggered something pretty interesting about myself… what I want… why I decided to go out of an empty nest where I use to have everything. To adventure in a new world were I don’t have anything for the sake of love… I made that question 1000 times and if someone hears me should hear that every time of that story have little details changes and at the end is like a “jelly answer” that shakes at the rhythm of my momentary mood. So, what m.k. actually wants? I’m remembering that I answered that long time ago to people is not longer here… the answer is so simple that I can still remember the laughs of those, no longer in earth, friends. “I want to establish in a new place away of my existing life, have 2 kids, get a comfortable job that let me save enough money to eventually open my own business and let me enough dividends to give everything I got by blood and scarify to my beloved kids… A partner? Yes a complementary woman who can say “ I want to be with you” no matter what no matter how as long as that person stay there waiting for me after I’m in my adventurous fight for her sake and commodity.
The words “I need you here so bad” where something that I can’t take from my mind. Not because I still suffer of the “white night syndrome”. But, because for a minute, made me feel that there is something more than love in those situations… The idea of someone who doesn’t have any kind of emotional connection related with physical or emotional attraction was something unexpected for me. Now I feel that it solves some of my saddest dilemmas of this life without the one I love. For a second, I felt that I can live for a person that simply wants to be with me no matter what. Sounds complicated but is not as much as it sounds… I understand that now that my feelings of love are for someone else that doesn’t want to get any kind of real interaction with me. I feel that what I really need is a person who wants to be with me no matter what, someone kind that have her own live but that feels complete with me, happy, comfortable and protected. The way this sounds, is a bit illogic I can feel but I think that as long as I feel needed I can move earth and sky for that person even is there is no such thing as love anymore in me. Of course, is not in my nature to use people like that just because I don’t want to be lonely or anything related. In the contrary, that kind of people receive all my gratitude for considering me someone that important and I’m willing to do everything they need to accomplish what their hearts are looking for. In the other hand I will never deny that if that person is that one I love everything will be even better.
I guess now that all this have to be related with something one of those people who calls me friend told me before one of his friends got married. “usually happens that people can married with people they love because the world is too complicated as the people and they blind each other with the smoke of the life. So ad the end they marry with someone who makes me feels comfortable and complementary”. Indeed my story is a bit more bizarre but now makes that the previous phrase takes meaning. I should just retake that and learn and focus in what I want, there are many things and many factors that can influence during time but I think that my formal answer is pretty similar to the one I wrote but just updated.
“What I want is to establish in a new place, far away of what I knew, find something to like and feel comfortable with. Find a woman who always wants to be with me, no matter what and that can trust in the fact that the world can be change as long as the union exists. Have 2 children, kids that I can devote my life for. Give them everything they need to develop them and develop all the abilities they born with. Help them to follow their passions with no regrets as his father did during all his life. And see them shine by them. Of course, without pressuring them for been someone they don’t want to just to please me or their mother. Get a comfortable job, which gives me enough to give what my family needs, and let me save enough to establish a solid base for our future. Eventually, stop working and open a small business like a cyber-café (a real one) and live of it after my sons develop their own, free of prejudges life. Be with that person who wants me by her side for the rest of their life and see her smiling until the end of the days”.
This idea sounds too simple to a complex person like me to think like that. However, is what really resume all based in my way of thinking, present abilities and experiences? Indeed, many people will like a bit more but as long as I have my sons to think of, I would be able to smile sincerely again.
At the moment, I have to live for me. Look for that light that only Glassy was able to see when I use to swim or play basketball. And during that time, looks for way to thanks to that great woman who gently took that last part for 3rd people that my heart had. Also, to assimilate what my family is looking for and his rough way to shows love. Open my eyes, and see who is around me, learn of them and enrich me with their experiences in order to become more kind and gentle for those people. Give them my hand, not only based in my nature, but as a way to thanks them for sharing a part of their words with me without thinking in their interest.
Any reader that reads this might think that I become a lonely sad person. But, if that the case I can tell them that they are completely wrong… I found out that I was able to accept myself and that inside of me there is something that is similar to love that is just for me. I found that I love me and that at the end is the only thing that is important until we get our kids… I have to share the fact that for some moments I can’t deny that I feel alone or need someone. But I won’t die for that, I’ve change, and now I can feel that I’m connected to all those people who interact with me in my live… that I live in hundred of words created for hundred of individuals that looks for their own reality. I still connected to the women I love, the 3 of them. Better yet, I can still do something for one of them if she needs me for anything. And that is enough inspiration to continue. I’m too grateful for this pain, for these tears, for this happiness, hope, jealously, confusion and decisions that she gave me. She will always be “that one and only” to me and as yoko kanno said “lost in a memory I see your face and smile”.
The road is still long and spiky, and it can take hundred of turns during the time, some joyful and some painful. But, every day the person who wake ups is different, but with one clear objective. Become better than the last day. Of course is hard and will be days when gloominess will surround me and I might look like that kid who was stock for 12 years standing in the same place looking the others world move.
The world and the reality doesn’t exist, they are just what we create of them… I was attached to my past so hard that it becomes me. Now, as hagu, “I have hundred of boxes to open in my life spam” I just have to go one by one.
M.K
I woke up thinking… what I want for me ? what I want? What is my future? Since my “new partner” feelings, have appears in my life I never tried to make those questions or think about the future. I had enough thinking about the day to day and dealing with the past to start to think about what I want in the future. However, the Thursday showed me something really interesting that up to today “Saturday” I was able to assimilate.
A new person appears in my life, a nice beautiful Turkish girl who was agreeing to be a friend. Her story? She divorced after having a huge problem in turkey that end up with a broken jaw and 2 ribs striped. Suffering of depression, she was sent to Germany in order to let her recover. As expected she was able to recover in a great way and be able to live her life. How this girl came to my life? I met her in one of the school tours before Christmas and start to talk again once we came back. How became closer? Simple, as everything with friends in common. After that a simple talk with her took from one thing to another and she was able to simply tell me all her “secrets” just like that. I’m not surprise that she was able to be open about that because is not the first time something happens. The reason she was able to be open with me have to be as Nasira said once “mi cara de amiguito” reason that let people don’t feel afraid of me even if the heaviest of the grudges is over me that day. At the beginning she looked as a difficult person, although se was pretty nice and calm to talk to me asking me to be her friend… of course wasn’t difficult to me to tell her that is ok but to not fall with me because my love belongs to another person. And she funnily accepts that. In that ways, was easy to share what we think and at the end we end up making the funny comment “we are just 2 dumb guys that are still in love of our ex couples”.
To keep the story short on Tuesday this girl had a “solitude crisis” while we were talking by internet and in a moment of despair she just said “I need you here so bad, but I don’t want you to come….” That in a way made me feels sad because in my present state I’m a bit selfish in my way of thinking. Therefore, I went to her apartment where we end up talking crap and watching one of her 100 chapters of family guy in her broken laptop. Once she calmed down I was able to return to the school and continue downloading stuffs like nothings happened.
Days later, I’ve been in my self-discovery mental journey finding several stuffs I didn’t want to write due been lazy to write it in word and wait until I get internet to place it. Nevertheless, I’ve been assimilating it slowly like a sponge in order to become better for myself and transforming the world around me.
This morning, those words of merv triggered something pretty interesting about myself… what I want… why I decided to go out of an empty nest where I use to have everything. To adventure in a new world were I don’t have anything for the sake of love… I made that question 1000 times and if someone hears me should hear that every time of that story have little details changes and at the end is like a “jelly answer” that shakes at the rhythm of my momentary mood. So, what m.k. actually wants? I’m remembering that I answered that long time ago to people is not longer here… the answer is so simple that I can still remember the laughs of those, no longer in earth, friends. “I want to establish in a new place away of my existing life, have 2 kids, get a comfortable job that let me save enough money to eventually open my own business and let me enough dividends to give everything I got by blood and scarify to my beloved kids… A partner? Yes a complementary woman who can say “ I want to be with you” no matter what no matter how as long as that person stay there waiting for me after I’m in my adventurous fight for her sake and commodity.
The words “I need you here so bad” where something that I can’t take from my mind. Not because I still suffer of the “white night syndrome”. But, because for a minute, made me feel that there is something more than love in those situations… The idea of someone who doesn’t have any kind of emotional connection related with physical or emotional attraction was something unexpected for me. Now I feel that it solves some of my saddest dilemmas of this life without the one I love. For a second, I felt that I can live for a person that simply wants to be with me no matter what. Sounds complicated but is not as much as it sounds… I understand that now that my feelings of love are for someone else that doesn’t want to get any kind of real interaction with me. I feel that what I really need is a person who wants to be with me no matter what, someone kind that have her own live but that feels complete with me, happy, comfortable and protected. The way this sounds, is a bit illogic I can feel but I think that as long as I feel needed I can move earth and sky for that person even is there is no such thing as love anymore in me. Of course, is not in my nature to use people like that just because I don’t want to be lonely or anything related. In the contrary, that kind of people receive all my gratitude for considering me someone that important and I’m willing to do everything they need to accomplish what their hearts are looking for. In the other hand I will never deny that if that person is that one I love everything will be even better.
I guess now that all this have to be related with something one of those people who calls me friend told me before one of his friends got married. “usually happens that people can married with people they love because the world is too complicated as the people and they blind each other with the smoke of the life. So ad the end they marry with someone who makes me feels comfortable and complementary”. Indeed my story is a bit more bizarre but now makes that the previous phrase takes meaning. I should just retake that and learn and focus in what I want, there are many things and many factors that can influence during time but I think that my formal answer is pretty similar to the one I wrote but just updated.
“What I want is to establish in a new place, far away of what I knew, find something to like and feel comfortable with. Find a woman who always wants to be with me, no matter what and that can trust in the fact that the world can be change as long as the union exists. Have 2 children, kids that I can devote my life for. Give them everything they need to develop them and develop all the abilities they born with. Help them to follow their passions with no regrets as his father did during all his life. And see them shine by them. Of course, without pressuring them for been someone they don’t want to just to please me or their mother. Get a comfortable job, which gives me enough to give what my family needs, and let me save enough to establish a solid base for our future. Eventually, stop working and open a small business like a cyber-café (a real one) and live of it after my sons develop their own, free of prejudges life. Be with that person who wants me by her side for the rest of their life and see her smiling until the end of the days”.
This idea sounds too simple to a complex person like me to think like that. However, is what really resume all based in my way of thinking, present abilities and experiences? Indeed, many people will like a bit more but as long as I have my sons to think of, I would be able to smile sincerely again.
At the moment, I have to live for me. Look for that light that only Glassy was able to see when I use to swim or play basketball. And during that time, looks for way to thanks to that great woman who gently took that last part for 3rd people that my heart had. Also, to assimilate what my family is looking for and his rough way to shows love. Open my eyes, and see who is around me, learn of them and enrich me with their experiences in order to become more kind and gentle for those people. Give them my hand, not only based in my nature, but as a way to thanks them for sharing a part of their words with me without thinking in their interest.
Any reader that reads this might think that I become a lonely sad person. But, if that the case I can tell them that they are completely wrong… I found out that I was able to accept myself and that inside of me there is something that is similar to love that is just for me. I found that I love me and that at the end is the only thing that is important until we get our kids… I have to share the fact that for some moments I can’t deny that I feel alone or need someone. But I won’t die for that, I’ve change, and now I can feel that I’m connected to all those people who interact with me in my live… that I live in hundred of words created for hundred of individuals that looks for their own reality. I still connected to the women I love, the 3 of them. Better yet, I can still do something for one of them if she needs me for anything. And that is enough inspiration to continue. I’m too grateful for this pain, for these tears, for this happiness, hope, jealously, confusion and decisions that she gave me. She will always be “that one and only” to me and as yoko kanno said “lost in a memory I see your face and smile”.
The road is still long and spiky, and it can take hundred of turns during the time, some joyful and some painful. But, every day the person who wake ups is different, but with one clear objective. Become better than the last day. Of course is hard and will be days when gloominess will surround me and I might look like that kid who was stock for 12 years standing in the same place looking the others world move.
The world and the reality doesn’t exist, they are just what we create of them… I was attached to my past so hard that it becomes me. Now, as hagu, “I have hundred of boxes to open in my life spam” I just have to go one by one.
M.K
Comentarios
But, thanks for these words and thanks for everything that we were able to share...you´re not right in everything you say...everything that is related with my thoughts and you think might be a reason why I´m acting like that, isn´t correct. You´re right, live your life, get a woman, have kids and try to be happy with that person.
That´s not what I want...I need to be in love, I have to be in love, I have to feel like that...even if it means, I should stay alone for the rest of my life. You´re trying another way...I can understand.
All I´m wishing for you is to be happy...if I could give you the sky or just a piece of a star, I would give it you to make you understand how my feelings are for you. But...go on...that´s what I´m willing you to do...but be happy!!!!
Natalie