Excuse me I love you...

With the title of a Chinese (or Korean) drama I lay at 4 a.m. In a stranger bed without been able to sleep. Sadly, I realized that my world become smaller than I though even after changing my entire self. The reason, the huge probability that I might never say those words “I love you”.

Torturing myself, and trying to make and auto hypnosis regression, I try to recall that moment when my ex girlfriend said I broke up with her. Unable to find that moment when I say “lets end up this” and receive and answer i drown in my frustration, close my eyes and just concentrate in the feeling of that little tear rolling down from the outside part of my left eye. I feel so impotent for not having the wisdom or the intelligence to make any other kind of approach to get that person back. More over, the frustration grows when I figure out that I don't have the capability to bend other people will on my behalf.

Then I try to hang me to her words when she said “everything can happens, no one knows the future” and for a second it give me some false hope, therefore, the reality hit me when I think that “a lightning never strike the same point 2 times”.

Almost 4 years ago I was such a different person, really tired of everything and everyone in this world. Living again just for living, I decided that relationships aren't a job for me. I was so dishonest on them that I felt that to use words as “I love you” would be an insult to those women i've been going out. I tried some different approach, get a girlfriend that have been a good friend for more than 6 years. Get? Actually I just let me go in the situation, and after evaluate the possibility that there is a chance that things goes nice after having a good relationship for so long, why not give a try? In all that time I was unable to say the words “I love you” even hear them thousand of times. With the time everything becomes cooler and each of us takes different paths until the relation just became so fake that dissolved like aches in the wind. While this relationship was ended i was making my mind of stay aside for the rest of my life. But the “path of life” had another idea for me.

This wonderful person appears in my life with dreams and with a charm that use to makes me cry drop silence tears with her conversations without her notice it. This person was so amazing that was just a matter of days to develop feelings for her, even knowing that she had some other plans.

But with the heart in my locker of sad memories, I never worried about doing a real move on her. But once more things change unexpectedly to my favor. This woman confessed that she had feelings for me, reason I weakly saw that the barriers I was creating in my mind were over passed long ago with her kindness. I had no more option than surrender to her and accept that she was that light I was hoping. Time pass and she changed from her warmth “I will never change my feelings for you” to a “I can't see you in my future anymore”. Hurts to think why someone can say “I will always love” and time later forget their words.

Indeed, many “real life” factors influence in their decision, including my inability to adapt to the precarious situation I implied myself by following my feeling instead of my “always reliable” reason.

Now I think, how to get back someone I can tell her anymore, would you be my girlfriend? Not because my feelings changed. But because I can't climb that ice wall that had grow between our hearts. Tell the words “I love you” to her would be harm her, and doing that will harm me to. Indeed, I will have to adopt her attitude of “is better not say some stuff” in order to survive. And now, I just here upset thinking “a lightning never fall twice in the same place”. Even if my feelings never change, I will always live with the painful feeling of never been able to give a proper good bye.

Now, this words makes me think in the possibility of hear them from other person. Bringing from my memory a situation of the last year, what will happens now if someone say them to me.

The last year was a long hard time to live. During that time my pain for the unknown was so hard that I was looking for mortal ways to ease my mind. Indeed my “cara de amiguito” helps me a bit with that bringing a pretty interesting person to my life.

This woman, with the interest in me of practicing her English, got close to me to distract me from the eternal Saturdays of trying to contact my girlfriend and the worst yet Sundays of waiting a never coming call. This woman with and special touch was able to develop a nice relationship with me. Was warm to go out with her. As an innocent way to talk i was pretty honest and in several times really cold with her because of my far away love that some day will come back. With no intimate approach or expectation, the conversations and the going out nights use to become very assured between good movies and nice dinners accompanied of interesting conversations.

One night, she decided to invited me to the cinema and after that go out to a party of her ex coworkers. I decided to go for a reason I don't understand yet. There, surrounded the typical Panamanian parties i was feeling like a duck in a hunting season. Harassed by the eyes of everyone I was enduring hanged to the hope that they will get drunk in some hours and that will make things easier. The moment come and they start to gather closer and do what Panamanians do. Talk about superfluous subjects like “other people”, “the weekend game” or “politics”. I just stood back listening trying to avoid contact as the “stranger person in the group”. Unfortunately, my presence didn't pass by. And then all the eyes turned back to me and the interrogatory began.

After some reconnaissance questions the real question, and purposed of the interrogatory came, how long have you two been a couple? Question that I instantly answered, we are just friends. After some incredulous noises of the people, this little woman hanged in my arm, a bit passed of drink, and said. “he is right we are just friend and he helps me with my English”. That was a trigger for them to make porn jokes about English stuffs, but after not seeing a reply from me they just cut out the subject with, of course, their thoughts still there.

Just in that instant i start to believe like filming the 3^rd season of honey and clover where a misunderstood love was breaking up a simple relation that grew from different interest. I felt bad for my girlfriend and silently i was asking for her to come from the sky and rescue me from that world and with a kiss vanish the world around me. Of course, miracles doesn't exist and I had to attach to the now awkward environment.

Like Panamanians do one of the guys there approached to me pretty drunk to talk about that situation. Was really uncomfortable to hear his comments when he said “dude you won the lottery, none of us (like 10 guys there) have been unable to get a date with her. She is extremely beautiful, intelligent, responsible, nice and rich. You are “webin around” by loosing that opportunity. She is totally interested in you, come on and do it for us.” I was unable to believe their comments and in the inside I asked me, why I got in this dilemma.

Later on, I decided to go home considering that she told me that she would stay there due the house is from her ex boss and her always let her stay till the next day to rest. Just in that moment she decided to go home back with me, and in the car she was just in complete silence. I immerse in my thoughts for my girlfriend when an “I love you” broke the silence. Like a splash of cold water, those words made me feel the greatness sadness I use to feel every Sunday while i was waiting for the 3 p.m. Never-coming call. Trying to not break, I had to turn down the tender affection of a nice person beside me. Which accompanied of tear from the alcohol, injured a bit more my already hurt heart. After a vague explanation of my situation, I just staid in the car hearing how this person cried and complains about “why I can attach to a love I will never get back”. Her last words were “we have to live with what we have in front sometimes, is good to dream, but if we dream too much we get lost in that world and loose too many opportunities, and at the end we just live a life of regrets”.

That was the last time I saw this person. Time later, she move back to her father province and since then i didn't have any more news about her.

All this makes me think now, how should i react now if a situation like that comes? I don't want to hurt anyone anymore due my not corresponded love. However, the probability to be corresponded is so dim that makes me feel that I should give a shot if someone wants to accept me even knowing my situation. I can't deny that now, I have the uncontrollable necessity of feel to be loved. But in the other hand, i know that is selfish and i wouldn't be able to reply to anyone but a “far away star”.

Once again, I discern between my thoughts and feelings in the most hopeless way can be. Indeed, I still have too much to grow up yet. I should concentrate in my duties and let things goes with the flow of the life... and again I would give my soul if i could just close my eyes and evaporate.